So Tired Chapter 11
Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia. May be triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.

A/N I'm guessing most people forgot about this story and I wouldn't blame you if you did. I don't have much of an excuse as to why the update took so long except for real life, moving and a massive case of writers block. I knew exactly how I wanted it to end but I had trouble getting there. Everything I wrote felt like it was ground already covered. I'm still not competely happy with it but if there is anyone reading this I hope you like it.

Chapter 11

Dean approached the hardware store with a feeling of trepidation. Could he really pull this off?

He had sat on the floor of his apartment for what felt like hours, feeling like a complete and total failure. His dad gave him one job and somehow he managed to screw it up. But when didn’t he let down the people he loved?

He had been close to calling his dad back and admitting that he was a disappointment when he realized that the answer had been staring at him all along if he hadn’t been acting like a whiny princesses. He just needed more money. The best way to get more money was just to get another job. He’d ask for more hours at the grocery store but his dad would just take that money. There had to be another place that would hire him. He usually only worked 3-4 days a week so that left the other evenings to work.

So he picked himself up, walked out the door and headed downtown, only to find out none of the other places were hiring except one.

The hardware store.

Normally, he would enjoy working there because he loved being around tools. He often thought if he wasn’t a hunter he would want to restore antique cars. The problem wasn’t the job, it was the hours.

Backshift. 10pm to 5am.

Fucking school!!!

If his dad would just let him drop out it would be perfect. Why the hell did he need to finish anyway? It’s not like he needed to know how the Second World War started to gank a werewolf. But he was out of options and really had no choice.

He really needed to stop being such a wimp. Did his dad get eight hours a night when he was in Vietnam defending his country? Dean was fighting for his family. He could do this. He could squeeze homework in during the hour between the grocery store closing at 9 and the being at the hardware store at 10. The library was open till 10. He could go there. The shifts at the hardware store ended at 5. He’d be home by 6. He could get an hour of shut eye before school at 7. He didn’t need that much sleep and there was only 3 weeks until Christmas break. So he could definitely do it until then.

He took a deep breath and walked inside.

A half hour later he walked out with the job. The owner had been impressed with his skills and he could start that night.

He headed home because he still had a weeks’ worth of homework to catch up on. When his stomach rumbled he realize that the immediate problem of no food wasn’t taken care of. He’d just have to bit the bullet and ask Cas to borrow $10 until he got his first pay check. He was sick of peanut butter but it was better than nothing.

Until then he’d just drink water and hoped it helped. It didn’t, all it did was make him feel nauseous.

Two days later

One more step. Just put one foot in front of the other, he told himself. You’re past the half way point. When you get home you can sleep.

Man, he was tired.

He planned on trying to squeeze in a quick nap before his first shift but he’d had too much work to catch up on. He went to his shift at the store and he found he really enjoyed the work. The guys gave him a bit of a hard time at first but when he demonstrated that he knew what he was talking about he was able to give as good as he got. The work was physically demanding though. He was responsible for loading and unloading trucks, stocking shelves, setting up and tearing down displays, and cleaning. When he got off at 5am he had two hours before his shift at the grocery store at 7. Given it was a 45 minute walk home, he didn’t see the point, so he basically had 2 hours of wondering around. He tried to go into a couple of all night café’s but he got booted out for not ordering anything.

That two hours seemed like 10 before he finally got to the grocery store for a cleaning shift. He was only supposed to work 7-11, but he got asked to stay and help with some inventory. Since he’d cancelled his last shift he didn’t think he could refuse this time. So it was about 5pm before he got out of there.

Since Monday’s were the day the sales started at the hardware store, they worked Sundays to make sure everything was stocked and ready. He about an hour of homework left, so he if worked for an hour he could sleep for 2 and then head back to work.

Although doubt about this plan was creeping back in as he tried to stop himself from yawning. Man, he was feeling like he wanted to drop and this was just day one.

Damnit Dean, would you just stop being a whiny little princess. You wouldn’t hear dad complaining.


He didn’t think Sam would be there when he got home because his brother had been disappearing more frequently and for longer periods of time. So he was shocked when he let himself in and found his brother sitting at the table eating a burger and fries from MacDonalds and reading his math text book.

“Hey, Dean,” he greeted his brother.

“Hey,” he said in return as he tried to stop his stomach from rumbling.

“I got you one too,” Sam said handing Dean the bag. I just got home a little while ago so it should still be hot.”

“I don’t care,” Dean mumbled as he gratefully took the bag. “Thanks Sammy.”

“Sam,” came the expecting correction.

“It’s always going to be Sammy, bitch,” Dean quipped.

“Jerk,” Sam fired back. “Can you help me with this? I don’t understand how to figure out these angles.”

He tried to push down the feelings of resentment. Sam was only home because he needed something. Still he had brought him a burger so that meant he really did want his help. “Okay, Sammy!” He said emphasizing his brother’s nickname. “Let big brother teach you a thing or two.”

It took a lot longer than Dean had hoped for Sam to finally get it but when they were done, Sam surprised him by wrapping his arms around him. “Thank Dean,” he said sincerely and appreciatively. “You saved my life.”

Suddenly all the late nights were worth it. Looking out for Sammy was his job after all.

“Only you could consider your grade point average a matter of life and death,” Dean teased back and tried not to roll his eyes.


Those feelings didn’t last long. By the time he got his own homework done it was almost time to leave for work. There would be no sleep that night. He’d have to hope he got an hour in the morning.

Like so many things in his life, that didn’t’ work out either because when he got home and saw the papers sitting out front waiting to be delivered he wanted to cry. He was now going on 48 hours with no sleep.


Two Weeks Later

Benny looked over his DVD collection and pondered which movie to put on. “You want popcorn?” he asked his long time partner Jimmy Novak.

“Yeah, but I have to finish grading these tests. I didn’t get it done yesterday,” he said with a mock glare.

“I didn’t hear you complaining last night,” he shot back. “Interview with a Vampire okay?” he asked.

“Again?” Jimmy asked. “This obsession you have with vampires is a little unnatural. Should I be worried?”

“Only if you want to be,” Benny said suggestively.

“Later I’m going to…”

“What?” Benny said. “You can’t leave me hanging,"

“I hate to kill the mood, but I just graded Dean’s test and he failed.”

“I think….” Benny started before he was interrupted by a noise coming from up the stairs.

“Dad,” Cas called to his dads.

Both turned toward their son. “Castiel, what are you doing up? It’s late and you got school tomorrow.”

“I can’t sleep,” Cas admitted. He wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing or not. He’d been going back and forth about whether or not he wanted to bring his suspicions to his dads. He had one friend and he did not want to betray him but he didn’t want to see him get hurt either. Dean had seriously scared him today.

He had known something was wrong when Dean didn’t meet him at his locker. Both Alastair and Crowley were hanging about the library door but Cas stood his ground and went looking for Dean. He found him at their usual table, slumped over and sound asleep. Cas had trouble waking him and when he was finally able too, Dean eyes were glassy and unfocused. His right eyelid was slightly drooped and it was watering, his speech was slurred and incoherent and Cas was worried that he might have had a stroke. It took about 5 minutes for Dean to fully figure out where he was.

Once he finally snapped back, he said he had been up late studying and he was feeling it because being tired triggered a migraine. He just needed to get through today and go home and have a good nap.

It sounded reasonable to Cas’s ears but he had a feeling that he was missing something and there was something else going on. That was confirmed when the bell rang and Dean grabbed the table and swayed when he got up. Although he tried to deny it there was no mistaking that he was feeling extremely dizzy.

“Come here, son,” Jimmy said in a worried tone and moved his papers to make room. Benny took a seat next to them. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. It’s just…it’s not about me. It’s about….oh man I hate myself so much right now.”

“Castiel, you’re starting to scare me,” Benny said worriedly.

“Sorry. Really. I’m fine. It’s not me. I swear. It’s just that… I promised I would never do this.”

“Is it Dean?” Jimmy guessed.

“Yeah,” Castiel admitted hesitantly. “You guys know I love you and I don’t want to hurt you but…”

“It’s hard having your parents being teachers in your school, especially when they’re two dads.”

“I don’t care about that. You know that!” Castiel emphasized. “It’s just that some people don’t want to be my friend because they’re worried that I’ll go running to you with their secrets and here I am doing just that. I don’t want to rat Dean out but…”

“You’re worried about him. He’s your friend and that’s only natural,” Jimmy said trying to put his boy at ease. “I understand how difficult this is for you but if you think it’s something we need to know than I’m glad you made the decision to come to us,” Jimmy said.

“Why don’t you tell us what you think is going on?” Benny said gently, trying to put Castiel at ease. “Let us deal with what you tell us and if at all possible we’ll make sure to keep your name out of it.”

“Thanks dad,” Cas said gratefully. Little by little with some gentle questioning help from his dads, Cas told them what he had seen that afternoon. “He just looks so…I don’t know…out of sorts. He’s asked me to borrow money a couple of times and he never eats lunch anymore.”

That got Benny’s attention. He had been building a theory about his troublesome young student ever since he’d had the reaction to his anorexia project. “Does he bring anything?” Benny asked.

“He used to,” Cas answered wondering where his father was going with this. “He used to bring a sandwich and some fruit, usually an apple or a banana, then that just went to the fruit and then water. I’ve seen him eating a lot of Tylenol lately too although I know he suffers from migraines. When he got up he dropped his bag and some of those over the counter caffeine pills spilled out. I don’t know dad. I get the impression that his family doesn’t have much money and I wonder if he has to work. I’m worried about him. He just seems like he’s about to fall over an edge. An edge of what I don’t know.”

Benny reached over and hugged his son. “I know that wasn’t easy. I think I’ll set up a meeting with him after school. Don’t worry son. I can do it as part of his inclusion program so he won’t know that you brought it to our attention.”

“Thanks dad,” Cas said feeling both relief that his dad was going to try and help Dean but regret that he had to rat him out in the first place. He just hoped he had done the right thing. Dean needed help but what kind?

Benny had planned to speak to Dean the very next day but as fate would have it he never got the chance. Dean was absent Monday, Tuesday. His father had called him off due to migraines. On Wednesday Benny had meetings all day. He’d try to arrange meeting with Dean and his dad for Friday although he had a feeling that Dean was going to have an excuse as to why his dad would be unavailable. After the break he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He’d call John Winchester himself if he had too.


Sam let himself into the apartment late Wednesday afternoon after making the rounds to collect his paper money. That alone left him in a bad mood because he was behind by 6 customers who refused to pay and when they did it came out of his pocket.

“Dean, I’m home,” he called as he went to his room to drop his bag off. He wanted to go to the store and pick up some supplies for his hideout and he needed more dogfood for Bones. They had a chemistry test so he wanted see if his brother could help him. He was having trouble with some of the formulas. “Dean!” he called again when there was no answer.

When he found Dean passed out on his bed he tried to stop himself from getting angry. About a week ago Dean put his foot down and refused to deliver the papers anymore. He told Sam if he wanted his pocket money he had to do it himself. Not wanting to give up his pocket money Sam had no choice. It kind of pissed him off to come home and find Dean sleeping in.

Sam knew that wasn’t entirely fair since he Dean did work and go to school but still it seemed like Dean disappeared as much as Sam did himself these days. It seemed like he was never home. Sam knew he worked after school but FoodWorld closed at nine. Sam had no idea what Dean was up too. He probably had some girl he was seeing. That what was getting Sam’s ire up. Dean got mad at him for not coming home and he did the exact same thing. Dean was such a hypocrite sometimes.

When he was home he was totally neglecting his responsibilities. If their dad came home tomorrow and saw the state of the apartment there would be hell to pay. Alright he supposed it wouldn’t kill him to help out a bit but Dean wasn’t keeping up his end so why should he?

He was about to wake his brother but he stopped when he noticed that Dean had tacked a sheet over the window and put a cool cloth over his forehead. There was an empty bottle of Tylenol and a glass of water that was ¾ full. That much mean either Dean had a bad headache or a migraine. He felt bad for his earlier thoughts and decided that Dean needed sleep more than he needed help with is homework.

As he attempted to tackle his homework his mind started working overtime. He loved his hideout. He could do whatever he wanted and he didn’t have to answer to everyone. He always wanted a dog and he loved every minute he got to hang out with Bones. He was starting to resent having to leave it and come back to an increasingly empty apartment. Dean was busy with his own life. He had almost no time for him. In a couple of days, Dean would be over his migraine and school would be on Christmas break.

Maybe he could stay at his hideout and not bother coming back. Dean could work and hang out with his girlfriend or boyfriend if he was dating that Cas guy he was hanging out with. Sam had fun teasing his brother over that.

The more he thought about it the more he wanted to do it. He pulled a piece of paper out of his notebook and began working out how much it would cost to buy enough supplies for two weeks. He’d have to live on junk food to be able to afford it but it would be worth it to be on his own, even if it was just for two weeks.

Knowing his brother would freak out if Sam didn’t tell him his every move and to avoid an argument he’d just leave a note for Dean that said he was going to stay at friend’s houses.

By the time he finished his work and headed towards his hideout and his dog he had made up his mind.

He was going to do go for it.



“Oh fuck of!” Dean swore when his alarm clock went off. He slammed the snooze button and tried to go back to sleep.


“I said fuck off!” Dean mumbled as his hand snaked out, grabbed the offending piece of machinery and threw it against the wall. “Its your own fault,” he said to the offending piece of machinery. Wanting nothing more than to fall back to sleep but knowing he had to work at the hardware store he knew he had to get his lazy ass out of bed.

“Come on Dean. If you get up you can have Tylenol.” That was enough to get him to a sitting position. His head felt like a marching band, multiple drummers and the cast of Stomp had taken up residence. After that first week the headaches started. They had been steadily growing worse. His Imitrex was long gone. He’d inquired about getting his refills but the cost was half his paycheck so he declined and stocked up on the over the counter stuff. He’s spent a little extra and got the stuff marked for migraines and had been sucking back like they were candy. They might as well have been candy for all the good they were doing.

He was pretty sure he was already over the daily limit but he really didn’t care. He popped the top and found the bottle empty. Didn’t he just buy it a couple of days ago? “Figures,” he said as he threw bottle ended in the same place as the alarm clock. He’d had to swipe another bottle somewhere.

Dean dragged himself out of bed, exhaustion oozing from every ounce of him and headed toward the shower. Maybe he’d get lucky and drown.

He had seriously under estimated his need for sleep. Maybe things would have been different if those first few days had gone the way he’d planned but he had no idea how long he could keep up this schedule. He had planned getting a break when school was done for Christmas but the only thing he’d heard from his father was a message that said he’d be gone a few more weeks and that Dean had better work every hour he could over break.

He had no idea how he was going to produce his father because he was sure it was only a matter of time before Mr. Lafitte requested a meeting. Dean was behind several days on his homework and he knew that his teacher had seen him working. He’d been in the store several times when Dean was working.

He had pretended to be his father and called in sick to school for two days but if he tried for more, he’d need a doctor’s note. He’d gotten lucky today when Mr. Lafitte had meetings but he’d had to put up with Ms. Best in Inclusion. So maybe lucky wasn’t the right word.

Thinking about this stuff made his head hurt more so he tried to stop but he just couldn’t shut his mind off. When he got dressed he had to get his knife and put a new hole in his belt. He was barely eating and the physical nature of his jobs were playing havoc with his weight. He decided that was the least of his worries. Besides it was more important for Sam to have the food Dean was buying.

He decided he didn’t give a fuck about Anorexia. He just wanted that nice nurse who looked after him in the hospital. He wanted his dad to come home and tell him he didn’t have to work so hard. He wanted 8 days a week so he could have a day off. He wanted his brother to stop disappearing so often in case their dad came home, but most off all he just wanted a break.

But he knew that wasn’t coming. So he dug into reserves he didn’t even know he had and left for work.

He was half way there when he realized he didn’t even know if Sam had even been in the apartment. He’d worry about it tomorrow. If he survived today that was.

He knew it was inevitable and of course Mr. Lafitte didn’t disappoint him. He told Dean he need to see him after school. That suggested how serious things were. This meant that Mr. Lafitte didn’t think the problem would be solved with the 15 minutes he spent with him in Inclusion.

Fuck. He was really in for it now.

But he did have the entire day to figure out a way out of things. He might be able too if he had the ability to think. If he had that he might not have done what he did in his history class.

He’d forgotten they had a test today. Of course he hadn’t studied. So when the teacher gave him his paper he was in an extremely bad mood.

Question 1, he read to himself. What ended in 1865.
This should be easy and he should know his but the pulsing in his head was growing everytime he tried to think and he had no idea how he was going to get through his work shift tonight let alone this stupid test. So he decided to do what he did best when he was pissed. He got flippant. He picked up his pen and wrote:


Question 2. Where was the declaration of independence signed? Dean wrote at the bottom.

He wrote these kinds of answers for the rest of the fill in blank questions. Then he got to the essay.

"You are to assume the role of a Chinese immigrant and write a letter home describing your experiences. You letter should include the following: your experiences and contributions in the west.

Dean smirked as he began to write.


As he walked into Inclusion later that day he was seriously regretting his earlier decision. He was going to hear about it.


He was surprised when it was just a normal inclusion session. They worked on grammar and punctuation. When he had his one on one session, Mr. Laffitte didn’t even mention his history test. He figured he was waiting for their after school meeting to read him the riot act. Maybe fate would be on his side for once and his head would explode. No such luck. It was still intact when the bell rang. He packed his stuff up and tried not to breath a sigh of impatience. He had to be at FoodWorld in an hour. Thank God he didn’t have the hard ware store that night.

“Thank you for waiting, Dean,” Benny said to his wayward student.

Dean just shrugged. He was getting used to these meetings. “I know I’m behind. I’ll catch up over break.”

Sitting directly across from Dean he could see exactly what Castiel had been talking about. He’d read a quote one time about how the eyes were the window to the soul. This perfectly described Dean. His eyes had dark circles under them and they looked almost sunken in and bruised. His green eyes seemed glassy and lifeless. He recognized the tiny crinkles of pain lines in the corner. Benny's father had suffered from migraines and he could recognize them anywhere. He was slumped over as if he was exerting every ounce of energy just to sit up as much as he was. Most disturbing though was the weight loss. It was significant. His clothes looked too big, almost as if he had raided his father’s closet. He knew they had fit him at the start of the year.

“I missed two days. Its takes me awhile to catch up. You know that,” Dean said defensively. He could feel Mr. Lafitte’s gaze on him and it was making him uncomfortable.

“It’s not those days I’m concerned about. We discussed this before. You were behind before you missed time. Is there something going on?”

“No!” Dean protested. “I’m just too dumb to be able to keep up. I’ll have to give up my job guess. There goes my car.”

Knowing that Dean was trying to bait him he ignored Dean’s words. “Then there was today’s history test. What to explain that?”

Dean squirmed. “Not really.”

“What about this?” Benny asked showing Dean the copy of his essay.

“It said to assume the role of a Chinese immigrant. That’s what I did. Why would someone Chinese write home in English? In many of the poorer villages illiteracy rates would have been high so there is a possibility that his relatives might not even be able to read it in Chinese, let alone English. I should get bonus points.”

“Did you study?”

“Some. Guess it didn’t stick but my answers aren’t technically wrong.”

“No but you know it’s not what the teacher was looking for.”

“Just fail me,” Dean said tiredly.

“I don’t want to do that. I’ve said in the past I don’t think you need actually be in Inclusion. I’ll talk to Mr. Adler about the test but Dean I need you too tell me if something is going on. Are you okay? What can I do to help you?”

That floored Dean. He could deal with anger. He could deal with disappointment. He could deal with being forgotten but he didn’t know how to deal with people wanting to help him.

Dean felt like he was drowning. The pressure on him was becoming overwhelming. He had been right about his dad not giving them money. He’d left Dean $200 and told him to make due. If he hadn’t taken that hardware store job they’d be homeless. As it was he was still going to be over a 100 dollars short on rent. He had no money to pay phone or power. It was in danger of getting shut off.

Here was what he had been longing for. Here was someone who actually noticed he was struggling and offering him a life line. It was almost enough to want to make him a grab it. Shame and guilt and pride were at war with need to just let someone else take care of everything for a change. He was so tired he just wanted to let go.

“Please let me help you Dean,” Benny said again a very gentle tone of voice. He could see that Dean was having an internal argument about what to do.

It was weakening Dean’s resolve that Winchesters handle their own. It was almost enough to make him crack.



Damnit Dean what the hell are you doing?

He couldn’t tell this guy anything. It would be like calling social services himself.

“I’m fine. Just go in over my head like I always do. Can I go? I have to pick up my brother.”

Benny thought for a moment that he’d gotten through. He saw Dean’s face start to crumble and he would swear that he saw a tear prickling at the corner of his right eye but as fast as it was there it was gone and Dean's face hardened and Benny could see the walls go back up.

"Everything's fine," he said again.

“I want you to have your father call the school and make an appointment for after the holidays. We need to talk about some things. This is non-negotiable.

“Yes sir.” Dean replied as he got up headed out the door. He stopped and looked back. “Uh…thanks Mr. Lafitte,” Dean said sincerely. “Also tell Cas to stop avoiding me. I know he told and will you tell him I’m understand and uh…thanks again for trying.”

It was that Benny caught sight of the lone tear that travelled down Dean’s cheek and he felt his heart break. Instinct told him that something very serious was going on but if he didn’t tread carefully Dean would be gone before he had a chance to help and he really wanted to help his troublesome student.

He’s figure out a game plan after the holidays.

He watched Dean stumble out the door, like he was about to pass out any moment.

Why did he feel like it was already too late and that he’d failed?


Dean had been tempted to skip the last day before the holidays but he didn’t want to risk the school calling his father. Could he be any more of a dumbass? Why the hell did he show weakness to his teacher? Dean hated teachers who cared. They were nosy and stuck their two cents in where it didn’t belong.

His dad was going to kill him. That as for sure.

He needed to stop being a princess because he was tired. He’d get through it like he always did.


The first couple days of the holidays were a blurr between work and sleep. He knew that he was neglecting his primary task of looking after Sam and his brother was on his own for large chunks of time. He barely saw Sam.

His main focus was working as many hours as he could and wondering if he could get a 3rd job somewhere because the money wasn’t stretching far enough. The diner downtown was looking for someone to bus tables and wash dishes. He realized one evening on a rare day off that he had no idea where Sam was half the time or even if he was home.

He had seen Sam leave that morning with a duffle bag saying he was sleeping over at a friend’s house for the weekend. Dean was half asleep and couldn’t remember what he said. He must have said yes because Sam never came home all weekend.

Monday was when things started to hit the fan. Dean had worked the hardware store the night before and went to the diner and inquired about the job. He didn’t get it, unfortunately because they said they needed him to be available during the dinner rush and it conflicted with his grocery store job. He was almost kind of glad. He did a double shift at the grocery store and then went home to crash, thanking a God he didn’t believe in that he wasn’t working his other job tonight or the grocery store next day. He couldn’t believe his luck that he as off for the next 24 hours. Some serious nap time He noticed that Sam wasn’t home.

He didn’t think too much of it because he figured he wouldn’t home until his curfew at 11:00 (not that he followed that most nights). Dean just crashed. He was out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He slept for about 15 hours straight.

He had no idea if Sam had been home and gone. He had no idea when he got home the next day. It was hard for Dean to know if Sam was actually coming home or not because he was usually in bed or at work when Sam was due to come home.

So on Thursday night he called in sick at both his jobs and did his best to stay awake and listen for Sam. He hadn’t come home that night, nor had he been home when Dean left for work that night. He checked and realized that the level of food wasn’t going down, except for the small amounts he was eating.

How long had it been since Sam had come home? Dean realized he hadn’t seen him for almost a week.

Could he be a worse brother?

Needless to say he was a nervous wreck at his job and got yelled at for making careless mistakes and when he almost got run over by a forklift his boss sent him home.

Dean called off the next day. He had to find Sam. What if something had happened to his brother while he was being a lazy ass. What if Sam was…

God Dean don’t say it. Don’t even think it.

If Dean thought he was exhausted before it didn’t compare to how he felt four days later. He’s scoured every inch of their town. He even checked the woods, down by the river, and even called the hospitals. Thank God nothing turned up on that one.

He tried Sam’s friends but he had to be cautious because he couldn’t let them know that anything was wrong.

He got fired from the hardware store that Monday because he missed 3 shifts and hadn’t called in.

Who cared about a fucking job. His brother was missing.

If he felt overwhelmed before it was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. He had one job and he fucked it up.

He did more than fuck it up. He was a complete and utter failure as a brother.

And as a son.

Because there was only option left. He failed Sam and he failed his dad.

He knew he had to do it but he didn’t want to. How do you admit to your hero that you’re a big disappointment?

It took a while before he screwed up his courage and dialed the emergency number that his dad gave him. The one he was told never to call.

“This better be fucking important,” a rough gravelly voice yelled from the other end.

“Dad!” Dean cried in a voice that sounded like a strangled whisper.

“Dean! What the hell is going on?” John said with a small touch of concern entering his voice. His heart had almost stopped when this phone rang.

“Oh…God!!! Dad….I…Dad please… Sam….” That was when the months of exhaustion and stress caught up with Dean and slumped boneslessy down the wall almost dropping the phone but he had to tell his dad. His dad would make it right. Then he could sleep.

“Dean…What the hell is going on. Focus boy! What’s wrong with your brother? Tell me! Its an order.”
“It’s Sam. He’s g..ggone,” Dean hiccuped.

“What do you mean gone?”

“Oh god….Dad….help….Sam’s gone.” That was when Dean finally broke and started sobbing hard. “I lost him dad. Oh God dad, I lost Sammy.”


Please read and review to let me know if anyone is still reading.

So Tired Chapter 10
Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia. May be triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.

Author's Note: I can't believe I finally finished this chapter. I apologize profusely for the how long it took. A combination of real life craziness and a lack of motivation. Even if I'm not writing about whats happening on the show specifically its my enthusiasm for it that fuels my muse. In the back half of the season and so far this year I find nothing to get excited about. Still despite that I love the character of Dean Winchester. That said I will do my best to make sure I finish this story and the planned sequel. There is a key scene in this chapter that will play out much more in part 2. I just ask for a bit of patience.

Chapter 10


The day Dean had been dreading since the moment their father announced they were getting an apartment was here. The rent was due and he had no money.

It took a lot of fancy tap dancing and an academy award winning performance but he managed to convince the landlord he'd have the money by the end of the next day.

He had no idea how he was going to get the money, other than selling himself on a street corner (hell to the no!) but he bought himself 24 hours.

He tried to get a hold of his father to no avail. Both Bobby and Pastor Jim were unavailable.

He decided to go for a run because the mindless exercise usually freed up his mind and he might be able to come up with a solution. After doing 3 miles, he wanted to do more but he did have to be careful about how many calories he was burning, he headed home. He knew something was wrong as he approached his apartment. He knew that he locked the door but it was open. Wishing he had a gun, he tentatively approached and peeked around the corner. There wasn't a monster or a creature. It was something much much worse.

It was a man. He was looking haggard and his suit had the rumbled appearance of someone who had too much work and not enough time or resources to do it properly. It was the stereotypical look of a social worker who had been on the job to long.

Shit! He probably hadn't been as convincing as he thought with the landlord. His stomach dropped and he felt like he was going to puke. His heart started pounding so hard he was surprised it hadn't come right through his chest.


"I see you there, come in. We need to talk," the voice said full of false concern.

"Sam!" Dean called as he entered the apartment.

Then the man said 3 words that caused the blood in Dean's veins to turn to ice. The thing he feared the most. "We have him. Tell me whats going on. What happened?" The man said in a voice that sounded identical to his dad's.

Dean hesitated wondering how to explain this. "I just went out."


"Just for a second. I'm sorry."

Just when Dean figured things couldn't get any worse, the man in front of him suddenly morphed into his father. "I told you not to leave this room. I told you not to let him out of your sight."
He could feel his dad glare at him. He was dreading what came next. "Please dad don't," Dean hated himself for begging. His dad opened his mouth and said...

"Dean.....Dean wake up," The dad figure said in Sam's voice.

"Wha....whas..going on?" Dean mumbled in confusion. He opened his eyes and looked around the darkened bedroom. His head was still thundering away as Dean tried to contain his fear. The nightmare had seemed so real.

"You were mumbling something about Dad."

"I dreamed I showed up at class naked," Dean said trying to change the subject.

"For you, that's not a nightmare. It's a dream come true. You were asking Dad not to do something. What was it?" Sam asked genuinely concerned. Whatever the nightmare was he knew it was a bad one by the way Dean had been trashing around.

"He wouldn't let me go on a date," Dean deflected.

"Fine," Sam huffed. "Don't tell me. I don't care." He climbed back in bed. "I just want to help."

"Whatever you say," Dean replied as he left the room to go take a leak and try to get himself back under control.

The thing was he knew that there was a part of Sam that did want to help, that his concern tonight was real and Dean appreciated it. Sam often, though, failed to realize that the little things would help him far more than a chick flick caring and sharing moment.

Dean had hoped that making Sam be the one to buy the groceries he might have learned a lesson. It worked to a partial extent. In the two weeks since then he'd stopped bitching about what was bought but that was about it. The part about rationing seemed to have gone right over his head. Dean had calculated that if they each took one sandwich for lunch the bread should have lasted but with how fast it had gone, Sam must be taking two. It's not that Dean begrudged him the food, it was just that if they weren't careful they were going to run about before Dean got paid again. He was already $15 dollars behind since he'd had to dip into Sam's paper money to cover the shortage from when Sam had shopped and he'd been trying to get back on track.

Sam had also been acting more mysteriously as well. Dean nearly had a heart attack one day when he came home from work and found the apartment empty and Sam nowhere to be found. He'd been one minute away from a full scale panic attack when Sam waltzed in the door. When he attempted to find out where his brother had been, it lead to an argument about being normal and how that took priority over responsibility.

All Dean could think of was what would have happened if their dad had been home.

I just went out. I'm Sorry.

There would have been hell to pay.

I thought I told you not to leave this room.

Dean's butt would have been the one cashing the check.

He was worried about his weight. There wasn't much food so he was already skipping breakfast and only taking an apple for lunch. Supper was the only time he was really getting any real amount of food but even that wasn't much. Running was the way he usually cleared his head but he was avoiding it because he was worried about burning to many calories.

That was seriously pissing him off because it was the way he calmed himself down. He wasn't fucking allowed to do it because it could send him back to the funny farm. He wasn't fucking anorexic. He was trying to put on weight for fuck's sake. There was nothing he hated more than that label. There were sometimes when people just didn't feel hungry. Didn't mean he needed to be treated like a girl? How the fuck was he supposed to put on weight when there was nothing to eat?

Sam could also help with the house work. He'd fulfilled his half of the bet and cleaned the apartment one time. Dean often came home from work to find dishes in the sink, laundry to do and papers and books scattered about. He tried to talk to Sam about it only to be told his brother was too busy with schoolwork, soccer practice and other stuff he refused to elaborate on.

He was also getting increasingly worried about Money, It was almost December and getting colder so the heat had to put on which meant the power was going up. Their dad had been home recently so Dean knew there was another large phone bill just around the corner and the rent was due in a week. With the anniversary of their mom's death only recently passed and his dad's pursuit of her killer it wasn't unreasonable to assume that their father would forget to leave the rent. So if their dad didn't come through Dean was going to be on his own for $700.

If Sam truly wanted to help, he could start by realizing all this stuff. He could use some of his paper money to buy a few basic staples, especially since he was eating far more than normal. He could make sure he came home on time so he didn't have to worry about their dad showing up unexpectedly. He could do a fucking sink of dishes once in a while.

So no caring and sharing wasn't going to help a damn thing.

He was so fucking exhausted but between the nightmares, and the worries he was barely getting four hours sleep a night. He was feeling like he was failing his dad by not being able to keep it all together but he didn't know where to turn.

"What am I supposed to do?" Dean whispered in the darkness of his bedroom.


He'd never been a great student at the best of times so all this was starting to take a toll on the work he was handing in. He'd done his best just to get something on paper and have it to hand in to his teachers. He'd been told to re-do the last couple of days work so he had 3 days worth of homework due tomorrow and he had to work tonight.

To make things worse it was Wednesday. There was a customer that liked to come in and shop for about a $200 grocery order about 15 minutes before the store closed. She'd need help to find everything thing on her list, change her mind several times, and argue over the price of everything. Since FoodWorld was so cheap they didn't do anything to stop her. It was usually a good 45 minutes to an hour after closing before you could get out of there. Since there was no union the cheap ass bastards stopped paying him the minute the store was supposed to be closed.

So by the time he got home, and reassured himself that Sam was there, it was close to 10:30 and he had 3 days worth of school work to get through. There was no way he was going to manage to make it acceptable (fucking inclusion) and he'd get told to redo it. He'd be lucky if they didn't call his father. The only good thing was that when he finally got to bed, well after 3 am, he was so wiped he was asleep before his head hit the pillow and the nightmares stayed away.


"Dean! DEAN!" He could hear a voice far off in the distance calling him.

"Five more min..." he slurred.

"Dean, get up," the voice insisted.

"Wha...?" Dean asked in confusion.

"You're going to be late for school."

"What?" Dean said again and reluctantly opened his eyes and stared at the clock in disbelief. He had to be up an hour ago. SHIT!!!

""Why didn't you wake me?" Dean accused his brother.

"I thought you were up," Sam replied. He had meant to wake him, but he wanted to make lunch for him and Bones before did but it slipped his mind as he planned his day. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "If you hurry you can make it on time."

"The papers," Dean reminded his brother. It took him about a half hour to deliver them and about 20 minutes to walk to school. There was no way he wasn't going to be late. "Can you help me?" Dean asked.

"I promised Ian that we'd meet and finalize the plans for our science project. I'll be late if I don't leave now."

"Forget it, Sammy. Just go," Dean said tiredly as he dragged himself out of bed. He really just wanted to crawl back into bed but if he skipped he'd be a full 5 days behind. He sucked it up and got out of bed and started to get dressed.


""Mr. Winchester, your late," Mr. Lafitte said to him as Dean slipped into the door about 15 minutes after the bell.

"Sorry sir, overslept," Dean mumbled and slipped into his seat and tried not to yawn as his teacher finished going over the morning announcements. He was glad that his first class was math because then he didn't have to move.

He was dreading Inclusion though because he knew what was coming.


Benny tried to look like he was going over his notes for the days lesson but he was looking at his troublesome student. He had to admit he was a little worried about him. While he had no illusions about a Lifetime movie ending like the one he did not watch last weekend, where the teacher inspired the lazy apathetic student and he went onto college and med school and graduated at the top of his class. Some people just did not like school. The thing that had Benny disappointed was that Dean appeared to stop trying.

He was never going to be a straight A student, although he was smart enough and could do it if he applied himself, but he was improving and making an effort. So what changed? If Benny had to guess it seemed to date back to the health class project on anorexia when Dean had the near panic attack. Benny tried to talk to him about it but the more he asked the more Dean appeared to close down so he dropped it. Now he wasn't doing assignments and was late.

He was tempted to ask Castiel if he noticed anything or if Dean had said something but it was hard enough being in a school with two dads who were both teachers. He did not need a reputation as an informant on top of that.

As much as he wanted to speak to Dean right then and there he knew it would be better to wait. "Dean we need to talk later during inclusion. "

"Yes sir," he mumbled as if he had been expecting it.


Time was a funny thing. Normally school dragged on and felt never ending. Today it flew by much to Dean's dismay. He wished he could skip inclusion and just fake being sick and go home but he knew he'd just be delaying the inevitable. Like his dad's lectures it was best just to get it over with.

He entered inclusion much like someone going to the electric chair. He'd spent the day trying to come up with ways that this wouldn't end with Mr. Lafitte wanting a meeting with his dad.

It was two weeks past the anniversary of his mother's death and his dad was on a hunt for her killer. A phone call regarding trivial matters like Dean not doing homework was only going to serve to seriously piss him off. The resulting lecture and punishment was would make this meeting look like child's play.

After the days lesson on note taking, Mr. Lafitte came over to him carrying a large folder. When he opened it Dean recognized the work he'd been turning in the last few days. Lots of red pens had gotten a workout. He saw lots of D's and a few Fs. So it was worse than he thought.

"Sorry, sir," Dean blurted out before his teacher could say anything. It usually didn't lessen his punishments but he knew his dad had little tolerance for excuses. Admit you screwed up and take responsibility.

"I'm not mad, Dean, just concerned," his teacher answered.

That threw Dean off. Anger he could deal with. Concern and disappointment led to him getting committed into a psychiatric hospital. "About what?" Dean asked, although he knew.

"I'm concerned about the decline in the quality of your work."

"Oh that," Dean said trying to make it sound like it was no big deal. "You heard of Murphy's Law. Well a few days ago, I had one of those days. My dad had to work late, I had to get my brother from school, then he needed help with his homework. He worse than Cas when it comes to math. Then I got called to work and ended up being late getting home. It was late before I got a chance to start my homework and from there it just seems like I could just never catch up. I was late this morning because my brother had to be at school early and I had to deliver his papers for him." He finished his speech with a puppydog face that would make his brother proud.

"Still it's like these last couple of weeks you've just stopped trying."

"When you're like me if you fall one day behind it gets hard to catch up."

"Like what?" Benny asked.

"In the dum...In inclusion." Shit. This was a road he wished he had never gone down.

"You aren't dumb," Benny said firmly. "You're very good at thinking on your feet. I mean look at the way you came up with that BS story you just tried to sell me. If you were feeling overwhelmed why didn't you bring this up in last week. I've asked you several times if things were okay?"

Crap. There was nothing Dean hated more than teachers who cared. Still despite everything, Dean was tempted to want to spill everything because Mr. Lafitte was always nice to him and he seemed like he cared and genuinely wanted to help. But Dean knew there was no way he could tell him. That would be as good as calling social services himself. "Things are okay. I just got behind," he insisted.

"It's just that it seems to be overnight. Look at this." Benny pulled out Dean's English essay on Poe. "You got an A- so I know your capable, but your History essay looks like it was written an hour before class and is pretty much just a summary of the textbook."

He was good. That's exactly when Dean wrote it.

"I'm going to give you a chance to convince me not to call your dad and discuss this with him," Benny said seriously.

Think dumbass, Dean told himself. You're a bloody Winchester. You lie convincingly for a living.
"I guess...I guess I took on a little too much," Dean ground out as if it hurt his pride to say that. "I'm trying to save up to buy a car. I promised my dad that when I took my part time job I wouldn't let it interfere with my school work. I'm getting pretty close to my goal and when I got offered some extra hours, I took them without really giving thought. Then there was one day I didn't get everything done and I guess I just let it get away from me. I didn't want to admit I messed up." He wanted to plead for Mr. Lafitte to not call his dad but he didn't want to lay it on too thick.

"I still think this is something you need to discuss with your dad. If your job is too much..."

"I did speak to him," Dean lied smoothly. "He was going to make me give up the job at first but we reached a compromise. After this week's schedule I'm only going to be working weekends. " He'd just have to hope that Mr. Lafitte or Mr. Novack didn't shop at FoodWorld on days he was working. He'd been thinking about asking for more hours, not less.

Benny contemplated what the young man before him was saying. It sounded plausible and completely believable but he still felt that it wasn't the complete truth but he didn't want to accuse Dean of lying. It just seemed a little too convenient that he had already spoken to his father. "I'll make you a deal," Benny offered. "I'll give you until Monday to catch up. I want all this work re-done. If I get a satisfactory report of for all your teachers at Inclusion I won't have to call your father."

"Deal," Dean said quickly. "Thanks sir."

"Dean, I mean it, if you feel like your falling behind, come to me. It doesn't have to get this far."

"Yes sir," Dean mumbled and pulled his English book towards him, grateful for the reprieve.


Unknown Location

John Winchester pulled the Impala up into the parking lot of The Dew Drop Inn. It was a sleezy motel that rented rooms by the hour but he picked it for its proximity to the Dew Drop Inn Pub and Sports Bar across the street.

He was getting so close to finding out who the bastards were that killed Mary, but he was still so far away. He'd had several leads about women who had died in a nursery fire. One turned out to be a real case of faulty wiring, another murder and an attempted cover up, another insurance fraud and arson case.

He was pissed off because he'd taken a lot of risks. From the large cash advance to on a stolen credit card, to leaving the boys alone so much and risking someone getting suspicious, and for there to be no pay off was not sitting well with him. His plan was been get stinking drunk, spend tomorrow sleeping it off, and then head home and pack up the boys and cut his loses.

He had just sat down at the bar with a double shot of Johnny Walker Blue (why not go out with a bang) when his phone rang. He decided to ignore it and let it go to voice mail. He downed his shot, ordered another, and then another and was about to go for a beer when his phone rang again.

"Damnit," John grumbled. "Fuck off."

"Everything okay?" the bartender asked.

"Peachy," John grumbled. "Just damn telemarketers driving me up the wall." He tapped his glass for another shot.


"Persistent aren't they. Just tell them to take you off their list and threaten to sue if they don't. It works like a charm for me."

"I'll keep that in mind. Hit me again." John reached for his phone. "This better be fucking important."

"Mr. Winchester you don't know me and my name isn't important but I have the information you've been looking for. "

"Excuse me," John replied as he threw several bills down on the bar and walked to where he could have privacy. "Why the fuck should I believe a word you sayÉ" He didn't recognize the voice. It was female with a thick British accent.

"You're wife's name is Mary. Your sons are Sam and Dean. Sam was 6 months old at the time of her murder."

The fact that she knew so much about him was not sitting right. He felt his fingers tighten on the phone. "You could have found that out in any newspaper."

"Proof. Check a child named Max Miller." The line went dead. As much as John wanted to ignore it, he knew he couldn't. A quick phone call to Dean to let him know he was going to be a few more days, a call to one of his contacts and he found himself headed for Indiana.


Bela Talbot smiled as she hung up hung up the phone and dialed her employer. This was going to be like taking candy from a baby. "Hook has been baited and accepted."


As Dean walked home from FoodWorld that night he was seriously wishing he could just work weekends. This job sucked massively. Why the hell did parents take their kids food shopping when they were sick? More importantly with 2 other service clerks on that night why the hell was he the one who was tapped to clean up the mess? He passed the hardware store and saw that the help wanted sign was still in the window. He sighed.

He had checked the job when Cas mentioned it and stocking shelves with tools sounded right up his alley. No dealing with customers. It was back shift though. He didn't think he could do it and go to school at the same time. It was hard enough keeping up now.


Sam was finding that the more time he spent in his hideout the more time he wanted to be there. He`d been tempted to just stay there all night but Dean was on his period and he`d have a hissy fit if Sam did that. He wasn`t a kid anymore and he hated being treated like one.

When he heard his brother on their phone with their dad a plan began to form in his mind. He`d tell Dean that there was an away game and spend the weekend with Bones. He used the tips from his paper money and stocked up on some food. His dad had taught him how to build a fire and he had a military grade cold weather sleeping bag. He wasn`t worried about freezing. He almost wished he could tell his friends about the place but decided against it because he wasn`t ready to share it yet. He was hoping to get out the apartment before Dean got home and just leave a note but he'd been invited to Ian's for supper so he went and he had to come home to get his stuff.

"Hey, Sammy, I'm home," Dean called. "Did you leave any dinner?"

"I ate at Ian's," he called back. He gabbed his duffel, took a deep breath and went to tell Dean he was taking off for the weekend.

"Where are you going?" Dean asked before Sam could say a word.

"I have an away game. We're going to Brick County to play Brick Academy. I told you last week remember?"

"No," Dean said firmly. Sam knew he didn't believe him. He wished he came up with a better excuse. Who leaves for an away game at 10 at night?

Sam knew this wasn't going to be a nice thing to do but he was doing this even if he had to sneak out in the middle of the night so he went straight for the jugular by using Dean's trigger word. "I told you. It's not my fault your too stupid to remember."

Whatever his brother had been about too say died on his tongue. Dean face took on an unreadable expression and Sam wondered if maybe that had been a little too harsh. His brother looked like he was about to launch an argument but then he just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Whatever Sam, just check in okay? Just let me know your alright?

"Sure Dean," Sam said and walked out the door.


Damn it!

He didn't need this, not now. Not this weekend. Their dad wasn't supposed to be home until next week but he wasn't the most trustworthy person. It could be 2 weeks, or two days or even 2 hours from now. How was he supposed to concentrate?

He went to the bathroom and popped four Tylenol, not caring if that was too much or not. He headed toward the kitchen, his stomach rumbling, to see if he could rustle up so grub. There should have been enough bread for him to have a sandwich, but all he found was one crust. That meant Sam had taken two sandwiches with him. Spreading peanut butter on the last crust Dean scarfed it down, but it did little to take away that empty feeling in his stomach. He filled up a big glass of water and drank it as fast as he could and then repeated the pattern. It left him feeling bloated and gave him the illusion that he was full. At least for a little while.

He sat down at the table and stared longingly at the door to his bedroom but he needed to get some work done tonight. He had a full 8 hour shift tomorrow and a 4 hour cleaning shift on Sunday, plus 5 days of school work to catch up on. He had no idea how he was going to get all this done.

Sighing, he pulled his physics text book toward him. Get the easy stuff out of the way first.

An archer pulls back 0.75 m on a bow which has a stiffness of 200 N/m. The arrow weighs 50 g. What is the velocity of the arrow immediately after release? Show your work.

This was easy. It could be solved by equating the potential energy of the bow with the kinetic energy of the arrow.


The young hunter jumped a mile and got up to check to make sure it wasn't the Impala. It wasn't. He tried to return to the problem at hand.

"A bow was a spring. (1/2)kx2, where k is the stiffness and x is the amount the spring is stretched, or compressed." He heard the loud roar of a car.

I thought I told you not to leave this room
I just went out. I'm sorry.

Shit!! He did not need this crap right now. How the fuck was he supposed to concentrate?

Focus on the task at hand.

"Therefore, the potential energy PE of the bow is:PE = (1/2)(200)(0.75)2 = 56.25 J"

He heard heavy footsteps in the hallway.

I thought I told you not to leave this room
I just went out. I'm sorry.

"FUCK!!!" Dean said outloud and swept his hand across the table, sending his note and text book flying. Screw homework! Screw Mr. Lafitte! Screw Inclusion! Screw his dad! Screw Sam! Most of all screw his fucking weight and screw how late it it is and screw anafuckingrexia. Dean grabbed his sneakers and headed out the door.

When he got back an hour later he was exhausted and shaky from not eating. He drank more water and then went to bed.


He was late getting for work and knew he wouldn't have time to stop at the bank and get some money for food before going to work. He tried the water trick again but all that did was left him feeling like he wanted to puke. To make matters worse he felt the faint traces of a headache making itself known. He popped some more tylenol and headed out the door.

He found his boss and told him he wasn't feeling great, which wasn't a complete lie, and asked if he could be excused from tomorrows shift. Fortunately this was one supervisor he liked and one who liked him. It helped that Dean knew he looked like crap. He promised to come in the next two Sunday's to make up for it.

Worked was crappy as usual and dragged. The 8 hours felt like 18. He was so happy when he could finally punch out, especially since he starting having dizzy spells. Since yesterday he'd only had a crust of bread and an apple. He headed for the bank.

He put his card in the machine, punched in the code and put in $60.00. He mentally planned what to buy when the machine beeped. He reached down and stopped cold. Instead of 3 crisp 20 dollar bills protruding from the money slot there was an error message flashing on the screen.

Insufficient funds.

What the hell? Mentally calculated his share of his paycheck and again got just $62.45. He tried again and got the same result. Maybe he made a mistake. He typed in $40. Same message. He tried $20 with the same result.

Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit.

His father must have taken too much. He'd have to go home and try to call. He needed money.



Shit who was that? If it was their dad he was screwed because he was sure to ask to speak to Sam. Before he answered the phone he went and turned on the shower so it would be believable when he said Sam was in the shower.

"Hello," he said tentatively.

"Heya....hey Dean," the thick gravelly voice slurred.

Great not only was it their dad but he was drunk. "Hey dad. Good to hear from you." Dean had to tread lightly.

"Sonna sona bitch gotta 'way."

Damnit. A failed hunt for their mom's killer on top of a drunk John. "That's too bad."

"Sonna bitch took off with my money. Used Mar....hic...used me. Sonna bitch."

The cord tightened in Dean's hand. It sounded like John had been conned out of his money. That was just great.

"You coming home soon?" Dean said changing the subject and giving his dad an opening to get off the fact he failed.
"You're 17. Need ta need ta know I can count. Don't Understand boy!"

Sixteen, but who cares right? "You can count on me dad," Dean said trying to sound confidant. At least his ploy had worked and his dad seemed to have forgotten about their mom.

"I'm goin' after the sonna bitch. Be gone....count on you right?"

"Sure dad. You know me."

"I do. Don disappoin me."

Ouch! "I won't." Just don't forget to put the bill money in the bank. Please dad, he added silently.

""Goo...boy....gotta go now. Bye Dean."

"Bye dad."

Dean flinched when the phone clicked. Did it matter if their dad remembered the date? Whatever stash of money their dad had been relying on was probably gone. If he'd had anything in his stomach he probably would have puked.

The full weight of situation crashed down on Dean's shoulders. He had no money to pay the rent and no money to buy food. At this rate they were gonna be homeless.

"What am I supposed to do?" Dean whispered as he all his energy and fight left him and he slumped against the wall and slid down as if boneless. He drew his legs up to his chest and put his arms around his legs and started to rock slightly. "What am I supposed to do," he said again to the empty apartment.


Please read and review. Just to let me know if anyone is still interesting in reading this and what you think.

So Tired Chapter 9
Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia ad a mention of possible abuse. May be triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.

Authors note: Sorry for taking so long. Real life is kicking my butt. This is Sam's chapter and I always have trouble writing from his POV so I must have also rewrote this multiple times. Vague mention of possible abuse. Nothing concrete or graphic. Its up to the reader to decide exactly what happenned between John and Dean..


"Just two more days," Sam mumbled to himself as school let out for the day. He was in a serious pissed of mood because Dean insisted he come right home from school. Why? So he could sit around and stare at the walls for hours while Dean worked. Why was he allowed to do that when he was forced to not a have a life at all?

Something had happened last week between Dean and their dad. He was sure of it, but he didn't know what. Just that his brother just got read the riot act. He wished he could have been a fly on the wall for that. Dean was being a serious bitch lately. The worst of it was his brother suddenly seemed to be back on the follow all Dad's orders bandwagon and he lost the little bit of freedom he had.

So when their soccer coach announced the away trip Sam had to stop himself from rejoicing. They were leaving Friday after lunch, even missing the last couple of classes, and not returning until later Monday evening since it was an in service day and there were no classes. They were going out to supper on Friday, they'd play the game on Saturday, Sunday they were visiting a museum, going to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Then Monday a trip to the planetarium, then some free time at the mall and then home.

Most of the trip had been covered by the fee they paid but the big dinner was extra and he needed some spending money. They recommended at least $75 dollars. He got money from his paper route but it wasn't going to be nearly enough. He wasn't worried about the 20 for his project because how hard could grocery shopping be. He was actually looking forward to proving Dean wrong there.

He hated his paper route. There were a lot of people that didn't want to pay and his tips were no where near what he thought they would be. Dean, the jackass, had taken his last $15 saying he needed it for food because they were running low. Maybe if Dean wasn't being such a hog they wouldn't run out so fast. Sam didn't miss that he'd been having much bigger portions lately. He would quit but then he'd have no pocket money.

He collected tomorrow and he figured he could get his full $15. If some of the dead beats didn't cough up let it come out of Dean's pocket for a change. He'd get about $ 10 in tips. Where was he going to get the other $50.

There was blackmail. He knew that Dean blew off work one day last week to go downtown and hang out with that weird Cas guy. Problem was Dean had just as much material on him.

Dean had told him to get a job. But what exactly was he supposed to do? He wasn't old enough to work in a store. He wondered if he could find some odd jobs to do, even though he hated housework.

Still he didn't care if he missed the dinner, even though he wanted to go, or he had no money for the mall. He just wanted to get the fuck out of dodge.

As his apartment building came into view the worst thing imaginable happened. There was a large shiny black beast of a car in the parking lot.

The Impala.

Their dad was home.


He could hear the argument as he came up the stairs.


"I JUST..."


Sam paused in putting the key into the lock. A fight between his dad and brother was so rare he didn't want to enter and have it stop. Maybe he'd get something he could use against his brother in an attempt to get him to plead his case about getting some extra money for this weekend.







Did Dean really just say that to their dad? Okay, he was in for it now. The fact that Sam couldn't hear their dad's response told him that. When their Dad yelled he was pissed off but if he got that quite deadly tone you didn't want to be in the same town as him, let alone that same room.

"Dad!, I'm sorry," Dean apologized. "I didn't mean it. It slipped out."

Again Sam missed what their dad was saying, despite putting his ear to the door. That was when he heard something that chilled the younger Winchester the younger Winchester to the bone.


Sam put the key into the lock and went into the apartment, hoping that he hadn't heard what he did correctly. There dad was a dick he was never an abusive one. The scene Sam was witnessing scared him more than anything. His dad was standing menacingly over his brother. It looked like Dean had tried to back away and John had made a grab for his arm and managed to snag it. The position looked really awkward and Sam guessed even small amount of extra pressure could pull it from the socket. Dean's face clearly telegraphed the pain.

"Dad!" Sam called out with both fear and confusion in his voice.

Sam's tone snapped their dad back to their senses and he dropped Dean's arm like it was on fire. His eldest backed up to the nearest wall and pulled his arm protectively against his chest.

"Dean....just go...go to your room," John replied. "I'll deal with you later."

Not needing to be told twice, Dean pulled his arm protectively towards his body and hightailed it out of the room as if he was being chased by hell hound.

"Did you ....did you hit him?" Sam questioned in disbelief. He bit his tongue and wished he could pull the question back. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

"No. This is none of your business Samuel stay out of it. I'm going to...none of your business. Make sure your brother stays in his room. Clean up this pig sty." John said as he slammed out.

So this was just great. Their dad storming out could only mean that he was going to get drunk. His life was certainly going to be hell this weekend, he thought as avoided his bedroom. He was not in the mood to listen to his brother defend his father. Still he had trouble concentrating on his homework because there was something about the whole scene that left him really unsettled.

It wasn't until much later with their dad passed out in a drunken stupor on the couch and his brother was pretending to be asleep next to him that Sam figured out why. He knew that Dean was pretending because they'd shared a room for so long Sam knew the difference. It meant that Dean didn't want Sam asking him about what happened earlier. It was then Sam had what he called a lightbulb moment. The look on Dean's face. He had clearly been hurting but if Sam had a picture he would put money on the fact that his own face would have reflected complete shock at the way his dad was manhandling his brother. It was a look he saw missing from Dean's face. There was no fear, no surprise things got that bad. Had this happened before?

There dad was an ass but Sam had never been afraid of their him. They'd had some pretty nasty knock down dragged out fights and said some things both regretted but his father never reacted physically. He yelled and drank.

Had this happened before with his brother? He racked his brain trying to think of any an accounted for injury but none came to mind. Maybe he was seeing things that weren't there.

The next morning he tried to being up the subject with his brother only to be blown off and told he was crazy and it was just an accident and to leave it the fuck alone.

If that was what Dean wanted that was exactly what he would do. Besides he had better things to worry about if Dean enjoyed being treated like a servant. How was he going to get money for his trip and more importantly was his dad going to disappear by Friday?

His life sucked.


Since their dad was there Dean had to walk him to school the next morning. Seriously what was he five? When they were out of sight of their building Sam just told Dean to take a hike. To his credit his brother just shrugged, and Sam tried to ignore the wince from Dean, and headed the other way.

As he walked slowly toward the school Sam tried to think of how he was going to convince his dad to let him go away this weekend. Maybe he could tell his dad that Dean would volunteer to chaperone, but Sam really didn't want his brother there this weekend. He just wanted to be himself for a little while. Do things he enjoyed, read books he wanted. Not have to Dean's little brother or John's son.

Whether it was coincidence or fate, Sam never knew but right at that moment, in the bushes off to left of the sidewalk Sam heard a whimper. Looking over he saw a mass of yellow and brown fur. It looked like a dog.

The poor thing had obviously been on his own for a long time. Mostly likely a golden retriever, its fur was matted to a pale yellow, where it wasn't brown and covered with mud. The poor animal was basically just skin and bones. Sam's heart immediately went out to the guy. He opened his back pack and took out his sandwich (PBJ again?) and cautiously approached the dog and not wanting to get too close, he did not need to get bit. Not knowing if Sam was friend or foe gave a small warning growl. Stopping where he was, Sam threw the sandwich. The dog woofed it down in practically one bite and glared at Sam warily. Asking for more and wanting him to go away simultaneously. Checking his bag again, Sam cursed when he realized that he had a chocolate bar. Which was bad for dogs. He had a bottle of water but he wasn't sure how to give that to the pooch since he didn't have a cup or a bowl to pull it in. Sam doubted the dog would let him get close enough to let him feed him the water. Figuring some was better than none, Sam opened the water and got as close as he could and left the bottle sitting on the ground.

He walked away and turned around to find the dog had made his way over to it and knocked it over and managed to at least drink some of it.

He felt bad leaving but there was nothing more he could do. He had to get to school so he continued on his way.

Normally he loved school but he found this day long and draggy because he kept thinking of the dog. He used some of his hard earned money to buy a sandwich and the disgusting goulash. He really didn't want the food, he wanted the bowl. He washed it out in the bathroom and bought a couple of bottles of water from the vending machine. He was really disappointed when he didn't see the puppy on the way home. He should have figured as much. Since he only had a candy bar for lunch he ate the sandwich on the way home.

Still he couldn't help but make sure he was prepared the next day. He got up early and made and extra sandwich and took two bottles of water, giving him a total of four. He found an apple and cut that up. That bet me made with Dean was looking better because he could buy a few cans of dog food. He just hoped he could find the dog again.

He did. Right where he was the day before. Sam was able to get a bit closer to him and he set out the sandwich, apple slices and poured water into the bowl. The dog looked at him, almost as if he was saying thank you before he turned and ran back into the wooded area after inhaling the food. Sam almost wished he could follow him.

He was almost torn about this weekend. He still wanted to go and have fun with all this friends but he didn't like the idea of the dog starving. Maybe he could see if Dean would drop some food off, but he didn't want to share. But then he was just punishing the dog with his selfishness. He decided to tell Dean. He knew his brother would want to help.

As always things never worked out for him.

When he got home that day his dad was in an extremely pissy mood and showed no signs that he was leaving anytime soon. Dean was back in super solider mode, with yes dad, no dad, how high dad. When Dad got pissy he took things out on them. So needless to say when the bus pulled away Friday he was not on it. Sam couldn't even bring the dog food all weekend because his dad decided this would be an excellent time to work on some hunting skills. So while Dean was at work he cleaned weapons, sharpened knifes, translated Latin, and wrote reports on how to dispatch windegos , werewolfs, and sirens, and nymphs. Too bad his dad didn't even ask him what he wanted.

Sam had to admit that he was actually happy when their dad got a phone call late Sunday and he took off 20 minutes later before Dean got back from work, where he had a cleaning shift. Sam was tempted to go out but it was too late, besides he had the day off tomorrow and Dean didn't. His school was in session. So Sam would collect his 50 from Dean and go grocery shopping. Then he'd have several hours to go find the dog.


Sam was glad Dean wasn't working when he went shopping Monday. He was really going to show his brother that this wasn't as hard as Dean kept bitching about. Looking at the different aisles Sam wondered where the best place to start would be. Maybe he should have made a list like Dean suggested. Sam had told him that he didn't need one. He knew what to buy. First things first. The staples like bread and milk. He'd get the frozen stuff last.

He walked over to the bread aisle and found looked at the choices. He preferred the brown bread but he knew Dean liked white. Dean usually bought 3 loafs for the week. Sam picked up a loaf of the store brand white bread his brother usually got. The store brand was a dollar but the Great Harvest bread was on sale 2 for five dollars. That wasn't really a whole lot more so Sam picked up a bun of whole grain and cinnamon raisin. This wasn't hard. What the hell did Dean bitch about?

Canned stuff next. Sam picked up some tuna. That was only two bucks a can. He was getting sick of peanut butter. Since that was almost five dollars he just wouldn't get any. Maybe he could get some lunch meat as well. Soup was always a must. It was cheap and easy to make. The chunky beef stew actually looked good, as did the New England Clam chowder. Dean usually bought the no name stuff that were under a dollar a can. But the chunky was 2 for 3 dollars. That was a pretty good price and it would certainly taste a hell of a lot better. In the basket it went. He wasn't buying a ravioli or beef-a-roni, he hated that stuff.

He picked up some pasta and a couple boxes of KD. He also decided to get the mushroom and basil and herb bottled sauce. The original ragu Dean bought was flavorless. So what if it was a dollar more a bottle. It wasn't that much.

Meat. Dean usually bought chicken fingers. But the boneless chicken breasts were on sale at 4 dollars per pound. It would make a good dinner one night, so he got a package. It was the same prices as a box of the fingers. He also did the same with the hamburger which was also on sale. They were better and pretty much the same price as a box of frozen patties.

Frozen stuff. Canned juice tasted like water so he decided to splurge and get some Tropicana orange juice. He picked up some fries.

A quick tally and Sam realized that he was up to almost 40 dollars and he still needed cereal, milk, butter, and eggs, potatoes, and apples. Milk was $7 dollars He quickly found those but when he got to the check out his total came to over 60 dollars and had to dip into his pocket. Still he was proud of himself. He got everything they needed and he wasn't that much over. Thats when he realized that he forgot the dog food. Damnit. He'd have to continue to making extra sandwiches as he couldn't really spare any more money and there was nothing he could really put back.

On the way to find the dog, Sam made a himself a tuna sandwich for lunch and one for the dog in case he found him. He didn't really feel bad because tuna was one food Dean didn't like. So what if he didn't get any?

That's when Sam realized his first mistake. What was Dean going to take for lunch? When he looked at the single can of tuna left in the cupboard, he realized he had nothing either. He didn't have enough money for the lunch meat. There was no peanut butter left. Oh well. He could make do with the hot lunch for a few days.

Besides he had more important things to do. He headed out the door to try and go find his dog.

Not surprisingly, Sam lost the small amount of trust he had built up with the animal and he maintained his distance while leaving out the food and water. After the dog ate Sam decided to try and follow him. He knew how to track so he wasn't worry about getting lost.

He couldn't keep referring to the animal as the dog. That's when he decided to name him Bones because of how skinny he was. Trying not to startle Bones, Sam trailed a good distance behind. That was when he came upon an old wood structure. It looked like a child's fort. He was dying to explore the inside of it but he knew he'd risk getting bit if he spooked Bones. He made a mental note of the path he took. He was so coming back.


Dean was home when Sam got there and he got the resulting lecture he was expecting. He screwed up. The chicken breasts would last one meal while a box of chicken fingers would last at least four. A box of frozen patties, at least 6 but the ground beef they'd be lucky to get two burgers out of it. The fancy bread Sam bought contained 15 slices, opposed to the 20 the store brand had. It was the same with frozen vs fresh juice. The soup would be gone in two days, etc. He also forgot to get water. They were going to have to take tap water to drink.

They'd be out of food before Dean got paid again. Plus, Sam had to do housework for a week and he was told that he was making up the difference and Dean was taking his paper money plus his tips. Sam said that wasn't fair he really didn't have much of a counter argument. This was a lesson Sam learned the hard way.

Still he didn't dwell on it too much. He had more important things on his mind. Like Bones.


Over the next week he made a lot of progress. Bones had actually let Sam pet him. And he let Sam follow him into the hideout.

It was simple wooden structure, with a dirt floor. It looked well built and sturdy. It was apparently someone's fort at one time because there were multiple license plates on the wall and a few old moody books left laying around. He decided that he could work with it. It didn't matter that it wasn't fancy. It was just a place for him. A place to be Sam for awhile. And he had a dog too.


Please feed the fragile ego of my muse.

Open Your Eyes Chapter 1
Title: Open Your Eyes
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ? Chapter 1 of 2
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: none really
Summary: In the aftermath of a hunt Sam and John are too caught up in their own issues to realize that Dean desperately needs them to see whats right in front of them.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.

Authors note: This was written for a prompt at the Dean hurt/comfort meme on hoodie time. Anonymous requested a story about Dean getting hurt and John and Sam not noticing. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1

"Well that sucked. I can't believe I had to give up my date with Amelia," 13 year old Sam Winchester bitched to his older brother.

"Look at this way Sammy," 17 year old Dean said and stopped to pause and he coughed up the murky and disgusting swamp water from his lungs. Damn, he hoped he hadn't swallowed anything. He had a big date this weekend he was determined not to get sick. "At least you don't need a bath."

"Screw you," Sam muttered as he picked himself up and walked out of the shallow swamp. "These were brand new jeans, too."

"I told you not to wear them," Dean replied as he got up and followed his brother. "OW!"

Whatever retort Sam had been about to utter died on his lips as he spun back toward his brother. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Dean replied and coughed again. He so hoped he wasn't getting sick. It would be his luck though. He reached down where he had just felt something scrape his ankle. He'd been forced to wear sneakers because he'd outgrown his boots and his father hadn't been able to replace them yet. There must have been a big pile of rocks or sharp twigs because whatever cut into this ankle had stung like a son of a bitch. Looking down, he realized his sock was torn, and he rubbed it lightly and saw small traces of red on his fingers. Great. He'd have to get dad to look at it and see if it needed stitches and he knew he needed to clean it immediately. The swamp had to be teaming with bacteria and who knew what else.

"Boys," John Winchester called out, his voice full of concern, to his son as he ran over to them. "You okay?

"Fine," Dean called back.

"Yeah, right," Sam mumbled and shivered.

"Sam, don't okay," Dean pleaded as he flexed his ankle and grimaced when he felt a twinge. Damn, he must have twisted it too. At least it wasn't broken because he can walk on it.


This was supposed to be an easy hunt, John thought as he walked over to his sons. They were hunting a swamp nymph. They weren't even truly dangerous just very mischievous. They were pranksters and jokers but sometimes things went too far and there was one victim who accidentally fell off a cliff, another who got so scared she ran and lost her way and died from exposure and the last victim slipped into the swamp and hit his head and drowned. So it had to go. It wasn't even that hard to take them out. They're skin was harder than iron and there was a large spot under the horns on their heads where they were vulnerable, but anyone that could fire a gun could take one out. That was the part that was actually very easy because they were extremely vain creatures would loved to stare at themselves in a mirror. All you had to do was hold up a reflective surface It would be a perfect hunt for Sam to make his first kill because the Nymphs weren't very bright either. Once they saw their reflection they wouldn't move until the mirror was taken away. Dean was holding the mirror and bitching about not getting the kill. Sam was bitching about wanting to go to some party. John was waiting in the wings in case something went wrong because no matter how easy things seemed hunting was never a sure thing and if in the small chance you mess up and break the mirror Swamp Nymphs were incredibly strong.

He had no idea what happened. Dean was in position with the mirror and taunting the nymph to come and get them. Sam was standing off the side so he wouldn't be seen until the thing saw its reflection. Then the next thing he knew Sam aimed the gun but got distracted by something and he kicked at a rock before pulling the trigger. The rock hit the mirror cracking it, which enraged the swamp creature. Both Sam and Dean went flying into the swamp. Sam landing butt first and Dean landing on his left side. John's heart skipped a beat when he saw his eldest's head go under.

John took aim and shot the nymph before going to check on his boys, who both confirmed they were fine except that Dean was limping a little.

"Must have tweaked my ankle a bit the way I landed, Sir," Dean informed his dad. "Can you check it though. I think I broke the skin." He coughed again. "I might have swallowed a bit of water too."

"I think there are some left over antibiotics. I want both of you to take a dose when we get home. Dean, I'll check your foot when we get back to the car. Be prepared for some peroxide. Samuel, what the hell happened out there? You had it?"

Dean cringed, both from the thought of the sting of the alcohol and the fight he knew was about to break out.

"I didn't want to be there. I told you that," Sam reminded his father.

"You have a duty to this family. I'm sorry that interferes with your social life."

"Just once I want to be normal," Sam fired back.

Dean wanted to groan. When the normal vs duty debated started it could go on for hours with both Sam and Dad saying things they were going to regret.

"Normal is...."

"Dad my ankle hurts," Dean cut his father off and he exaggerated his limp a bit.

"Suck it solider. I'll check it at the car."

"Yes sir," Dean said with a sigh of frustration.

"Suck up," Sam mumbled.


Dean was glad to see the car. He opened the passenger side door, sat sideways and stuck his foot out straight waiting for his father to come torture him.

"Dad its only 8:30. I can still make it to Sherry's house for a bit."

"Don't you start Sam," John replied as he approached Dean with the first aid kit in his hand. He squatted and grabbed Dean's leg pulling up his sopping jeans and checking out his injury. There was a fair amount of blood but it didn't look like it was enough to too need stitches. He poured some peroxide on a gauze pad and prepared to wipe off the blood and see the extent of the damage.

"It's not fair....

John's glare shifted to his youngest as his hand pressed the gauze pad into his son's foot. Dean hissed in pain. "I said suck it up. Samuel you screwed up here. You guys could have been hurt and you think you should be allowed to go to a party?"


"I hate.."

"You will listen..."

"It was me," Dean interjected before the knock down drag out fight could start. "Ow." That had caused John to double the pressure on Dean's foot.

"Sit rep, solider," John said trying to keep the anger out of his voice.

"I got over confident sir. I was teasing Sammy about not getting distracted by seeing himself in the mirror. He told me to shut up but I didn't. The rock wouldn't have hit the mirror if hadn't deflected it."

"Damnit Dean! You could have gotten your brother killed! I give you one job! What out for your brother and you can't handle that! "

"I'm sorry dad," Dean said contritely.

"Well that wouldn't be good enough if Sam had gotten killed would it?"

Dean inhaled sharply. The pain he felt had nothing to do with the cuts on his foot. He didn't screw up. Sam told him he was bored. Dean told him to focus or dad would be mad. Sam told him to shut up, said he hated his life and kicked the rock directly into the mirror. Dean usually was going to get the brunt of Dad's anger no matter what, so he figured what the hell but he certainly hadn't expected his father to take it that far.

John knocked Dean's foot off his leg not even really checking it. Dean figured it couldn't be that bad. Although to him it looked a little swollen but he wasn't going to mention it if his dad didn't.

"Get in the damn car," John said angrily. "Back seat. When I'm done with you that foot will be the healthiest part of your body."

"Dean..." Sam said to his brother worriedly.

"Just keep your mouth shut Sammy and get in the fucking car."

But John did miss something. In his anger he failed to really check Dean's foot and he didn't see the two perfectly symmetrical round puncture marks spaced half an inch apart just above the line of Dean's sneaker. Nor did any of them see the rustle of the tall grass as the black, red and yellow creature slithered away.


Dean was surprised he did not get a lecture. He figured it was because Sam was in the car. He was sure he was in for it the way his dad was glaring at him. If looks could kill he'd have dropped dead on the spot. Apparently he underestimated just how mad his dad would get. He wondered if he could fake sick. Although that would probably just get him another lecture. The thing was Dean wasn't sure if he was faking. His stomach was starting to hurt and he could feel the beginning of a headache beginning to make itself known behind his right eye. He must have swallowed more water than he thought he did.

When they got home, Dean's punishment started immediately. John gave him a whole list of chores, make supper, clean bathroom, dishes, sweep and mop the whole apartment, wash the bed linens, clean the guns and translate 3 chapters of a book on demons from Latin to English. He was getting the physical training tomorrow plus he had an "appointment" with his dad after supper.

The only reason he got first shower was because he was soaked from head to toe. He was so distracted he really didn't give his ankle much thought expect to acknowledge that it was definitely swelling. He must have went over on it when he landed. He wasn't sure if he should be concerned that there really wasn't any pain.

He stripped off the bed sheets of the beds and trudged down 3 flights of the stairs to the laundry room. He had to stop and catch his breath on the way back as he found himself getting winded. Making supper was the last thing he felt like doing.

He opened the freezer and grabbed some frozen pattis, and fries, thanking a God he didn't believe in for having something easy to make. The trip to the laundry room did him in and he was starting to feel like he could just crash right at the kitchen table, but by the time his father ran out of things for him to clean and when he had to get up to start his PT tomorrow he'd be lucky if he got four hours. While he waited for the burgers to heat up he went and downed 3 aspirin. His headache was getting worse.

"WHY??" He heard his brother yell at his dad and he just wanted to groan. "Dean said he was the one that screwed up. Why am I being punished?"

"Because you didn't have to take the bait," John reminded his youngest. "You're lesson this weekend is going to be to learn that. Parties and friends are just that distractions. You have to be able to learn to ignore stuff like that meet your responsibilities."

"I don't want to. I want to live my life."

"I'm sure the victims of that Swamp Nymph would like to have lived theirs."

"Thats not fair. I'm just a kid. This is your fight."

"You will listen..."

Trying to tune them out because this was going to go on for awhile Dean set the table and tried to ignore the rising nausea in his stomach the smell of frying beef was causing. He stuck some cheese on the patties to melt it a bit and called his dad and brother, even though eating with those two was the last thing he wanted to do.

The argument continued all through dinner, with lots of potshots coming his way when his father got frustrated with Sam. Dean just tried to ignore it and the fact that he was feeling crappier by the minute. Dean even got his own lecture about how money didn't go on trees and he shouldn't waste food when John finally noticed his eldests mostly full plate.

"Sam do you mind giving me a hand with the dishes?" Dean asked.

"DEAN!" John admonished sharply. "It's your punishment. Stop being so lazy and accept your responsibilities."

"Dad," Dean said softly ashamed to admit his weakness but he really was feeling terrible. "I don't..."

"Don't you start!" John cut him off. "You screwed up. Take it like a man."

"Yes sir," Dean mumbled and attempted to drink his water hoping it would calm his stomach. It was really starting to churn. The cramping was starting to feel worse.

"I'm going to get beer," John replied. "Dean, make sure this pig sty is cleaned by the time I get back. Are we clear?"

Dean tried to swallow but it felt like it was getting caught in his throat. "Yez zir," he mumbled.


"Sam can you give me a hand, please?" Dean pleaded. "I'll go clean the bathroom. Just wash the dishes. There aren't many. I took the fall for you." Dean hoped his brother would take a little pity on him.

Part of Sam wanted to refuse and remind he his brother that he didn't ask him to but Dean did look a little pale. "You okay?

"Yeah," Dean lied. "Just a little tired." He grabbed a bucket and some Lysol and headed toward the bathroom. This chore sucked worse of all but he wanted to be near the toilet because he figured he was about 5 minutes away from puking up what little dinner he managed to eat. It was a good thing, too because no sooner had he got into the bathroom a cramp ripped through his stomach so bad that it doubled him over. He barely managed to sit on the toilet before everything he'd ever eaten in his entire life exploded out of him. He was feeling really shaky when he was done. He managed to get over to the sink and tried to drink some water hoping it would help but he had more trouble getting it down. He didn't think it was possible to have anything left in his bowel but another wave of violent cramping hit and this time he wasn't so fortunate about making it back to the toilet bowl.


"Dean, you okay in there?" Sam asked. Dean hadn't exactly been quiet.

"Yeah," Dean called out, really hoping that Sam did not need to get in here. The place was a shithole, literally. It was going to be a bitch to clean up.

"Are you sure?" Sam asked worriedly. Dean seemed off and way to quiet since they had gotten back.

"I said I was fine!" Dean snapped. Go away, Sammy. Just go away.

"Okay. The dishes are all washed. Do you want me to start the translation for you?"

"Thanks Sammy," Dean said gratefully. The way his head was starting to pound, he'd never be able to do it and Sam was much quicker. "Just keep an ear out for dad." If their dad knew Sam was helping him there would be hell to pay.

"Kay. Are you sure your okay?"

"You know me, I'm always okay," Dean said flippantly.


Sam took out the latin dictionary and their dad's copy of Vince Field's Classification of Demons and tried to concentrate. He was getting worried about his brother. He knew that Dean had gotten sick and probably had diarrhea. He wasn't exactly quiet in there. He figured it was probably the swamp water, maybe some bacterial infection.

When Dean came out of the bathroom 45 minutes later he looked terrible. He was pale, sweating, and smelled exactly like what Sam figured happened in the bathroom.

"I better take over, Sammy," Dean mumbled. "Dad will probably be home soon." He swallowed convulsively.
Seriously, how the hell could he still feel like puking. He had done that twice while cleaning the bathroom. The only things left in him were attached but it felt like his body was trying to expel them anyway.

"You should go lie down," Sam replied. "I'll make sure dad knows you're not slacking. This is his fault anyway."

"Sam, please don't start with him again. Not tonight okay?"

"Only if you promise to stand up to him and tell him you aren't feeling well. I don't know why you let him treat you this way?"

"Treat you like what? Is there a problem Dean?" A deep gravelly voice asked.

Shit. "No sir. I'm fine. Just working on my translation."

"Then why is it in Sam's hand writing?"

"If you..." Sam started.

"I blackmailed him," Dean cut off his brother. He knew he was committing suicide when he watched his dad start to turn purple, but maybe if he could get his dad to send him to his room than he could pass out. There probably wasn't much time before that happened anyway.

"Dean James Winchester!" John ground out as if the words physically hurt. "You're seriously asking for it. Get to your room and don't show your face until I come for you."

"Yes sir," Dean mumbled and hightailed it out of the kitchen. Not to his room but the bathroom before he puked on the floor. Seriously what was left? He than stumbled to his bathroom before he heard the sound of his dad and brother shouting at each other again before. Probably the reason they hadn't heard him upchucking. He got 3 more aspirin, even though it was too soon. He got really scared when he couldn't get them down. It felt like they were sticking in his throat. He managed to get to his bed before he realized that all their sheets where in the laundry room. Great. His dad was going to blow an even bigger gasket if the beds weren't made.

Sam and John were so busy arguing they didn't even notice him leave.


Sam had every intention of telling their dad his worries about Dean and the disgusting noises he'd heard coming out of the bathroom but then he'd started arguing with his dad about how they shouldn't be hunting and that turned into a the normal vs family responsibility argument. Sam tried to defend his position and completely forgot about his brother.

Dean didn't think he'd ever be so happy to see the front door of the rundown apartment. He's had to pause about 3 times in an attempt to catch his breath. He should have just let his dad yell about the beds, attempting to climb the stairs was a mistake. It felt like he'd run a marathon and was trying to catch his breath through a drinking straw. He knew he was getting dehydrated from the puking and the diarrhea but he knew that drinking anything was just going to make it worse and the cramping in his stomach was starting to become unbearable as was the pain in his head. He knew something majorly wrong and he was going to have to suck it up and admit it to his dad.

He could hear the yelling as he approached the door and he just wanted to groan. He slipped inside and dropped the laundry basket by the door. They could make their own fucking beds. He just wanted his father to make things better.

"Dad..." he tried tentatively.



"Not now Dean! Just finish what I told you do to and stop acting like a little princess about a few extra chores....and you.." John said turning his attention back to his youngest and the argument began again.

"DAD!!! I don't feel that...."

"I thought I told you to quit whinging. You're getting as bad as your brother," John cut off his eldest.

"I DON'T WHINE!" Sam insisted indignantly. "YOU DON'T LISTEN!!!!"



"But Dad?"

"DEAN!!! Go clean something or I'll give you something to really complain about!"

"But dad....."


"Yes sir," he mumbled and slinked down off the hallway. He had to put his hand out and steady himself when the diziness started. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He'd was getting scared and he was no longer ashamed to admit he needed help. Fuck, he wanted it. His eyes landed on the phone. He was seriously thinking about it even though his father would have his head. Although at this point he'd welcome anything that made the pain in his stop. Maybe he could just ram his head against the wall.

"Daa...ddaad" Dean called down the hall and he was surprised to hear how shaky voice sounded. He doubted that his dad could even hear him. He wanted to go back to the kitchen but the hall way seemed about the length of the football field and he really didn't think he could make it. Then two things happened that cause him to say screw it. His vision suddenly blurred and everything looked hazy and with that and the dizziness he knew he didn't have the strength to make it. And he was doubled over again by a cramp and knew he wasn't going to make it to the bathroom and he knew he was going to soil himself, which happened 30 seconds later. He picked up the phone off the receiver slunk down the wall and dialled.

"911 what's your emergency?"

"He..hep..." He barely go the word out when he it seemed like he lost all the strength in his hand and the phone dropped to the floor. Dean just gave up and laid down hoping someone heard him as the operator desperately tried to get his attention.


"Just go to your room!" John ordered his youngest. "I'll deal with you later."

"I hate you!" Sam shot back at his dad as he stalked out of the kitchen where he quite literally tripped over his prone older brother.

"What the hell? Dean...."

"Sir...are you there can you hear me? Do you need help?" the operator called over the phone. "Do you need an ambulance, police?"



Please let me know if you enjoy it. My muse craves the feedback.

Stay Strong (immunosuppressed Dean)
This is a fill for the Dean h/c meme in which the prompted requested immunosuppressed Dean.

Stay Strong
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam,
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: 2400
Spoilers: First season
Warnings: Dean likes to swear.
Summary: Sam finds out what Dean was really up to during his time at Stanford
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.

Stay Strong


"Dean, watch it," Sam Winchester said to his brother as they narrowly avoided going off the road into a guard rail. The 3rd time that happened in the last hour.

"I finn," Dean replied as he wiped his nose with a tissue.

"You're getting another cold."

"Am Na!!!" Dean denied sounding very congested.

"We've been driving for hours," Sam complained. "There is a motel up the road."

"Na Tir'" Dean sniffled. "AAAAAHHHCCHHOO!!!!!"

"I'm tired," Sam said softly. He knew the best way to get Dean to do something was if to make it look like he needed it.

"Alway a...gir....cough...cough...girl," Dean shot back.

"I'm not the one that was taken down by 4 years olds," Sam reminded his brother. They'd just finished a hunt involving a day care. The job had been hard on Dean, kids getting hurt never sat well with his brother and several of the kids had colds. He should have known. He'd been back with his brother for 4 months now and Dean had gotten at least 3 colds. Bad enough to make them have to hold up in a motel room at least a week. The last cold had put Dean out of commission for 3 weeks and Sam almost dragged him to the hospital.


"Damnit, Dean either pull off or let me drive."



They checked in the Golf and Gas motel from hell. The sheets, blankets and walls were all decorated with golf paraphernalia. Even the pillows were shaped like golf balls. The night stands looked like giant tees and the carpet was Astroturf, but at least it was clean.

His brother had all but collapsed on the bed as soon as they entered. It showed how crappy he must have been feeling because he didn't make one comment. He just collapsed on the bed like he was boneless.

"I'm going to get dinner. You want anything?" Sam asked.

"Na..jus' kleena," Dean mumbled.

"I'll see if the pharmacist can recommend something," Sam offered generously.

"NO!!!" Dean said with more energy and strength than Sam had heard from him all day.

"No point in suffering," Sam insisted. His stubborn ass brother refused to make his easier on himself and take any kind of decongestant.

"I sa...NO!"

"Fine, suffer for all I care."



Sam picked up a salad shaker for himself and some tomato rice soup for Dean in case he felt like eating. He wondered what hell was up with his brother. Growing up Sam could never remember Dean being sick, now it seemed like he picked up every cold and flu bug that came around.

He was acting mysteriously too. He'd run out of shampoo and went to check Dean's shaving kit and his brother practically bit his head off for touching his stuff. He disappeared twice a month too. He would never tell Sam where he was going. He just said that he had stuff to do. He'd be gone about 3 hours and when he came back he was always tired and dragged out, like he'd been running marathon and looking a little green. He usually didn't eat for the rest of day.

He liked a good riddle so he was going to get to the bottom of this even if he killed him.

It was actually a good thing he decided to head back to the motel room. Because if he hadn't it might have killed Dean.

Sam didn't know how he could have deteriorated so fast. It was just a simple cold right? It was cold out but Dean had kicked his covers off and Sam could see beads of sweat on Dean's forehead. A simple touch with the back of his hand and it was clear his brother was burning up. He fished out the thermometer.


Shit. He had to get that down. He was filling the bucket and soaking towels when he heard Dean moan. He ran back into the room just in time to see Dean's eyes roll back and his entire body stiffen before it started jerking and spasming in uncontrollable movements.

He didn't even remember calling 911.


Things happened fast. Paramedics showed up, took vitals asked about allergies and medications.

He was allergic to pencillian and morphine gave him really bad nausea but Dean was taking no medications that he was aware of. That was another mistake that could have killed Dean.


The wait in the plastic chairs that were designed for people without spines was long. What the hell was taking so long? He'd attempted to get answers only to be told they were doing all they could and the doctors would be with him as soon as they were able. They wouldn't even let him see Dean.

It was probably a good 3 hours before anyone came to him.

Pneumonia, pneumocystis pneumonia to be exact. A type that was usually found in people with compromised immune systems. Which left him confused because Dean didn't have a compromised immune system, he was one of the healthiest people Sam knew. Or so he thought.

"You should have told us your brother had a compromised immune system. ," the doctor admonished sharply. "Why wouldn't you tell this to the medics?"

Someone was seriously messing with him right?
"I don't know what you're talking about. My brother and I are on a...road trip. We haven't seen each other in years before that with me being at school."

"Is there someone we could talk to about his condition? We really need to know. His type of pneumonia is usually only found in people with HIV or are taking suppressants for a transplant."

There was dad but he was in the wind. Caleb or Pastor Jim might know. "Let me make a call," Sam said lamely.

He finally got a hold of Joshua. It turned out that Dean had gotten some kind of infection that destroyed his kidneys and he spent a year on dialysis before he'd gotten a transplant from their dad.

What the hell? I mean seriously what the hell?

At last Dean's behaviour made sense. He found Dean's prescriptions in his shaving kit. There was about 19 different once. No wonder Dean wouldn't take over the counter stuff. There were so many possible interactions that he couldn't risk it. He'd been disappearing because he needed IV meds twice a months.

Why didn't the stubborn SOB just tell him what was going on?


It became the longest week of Sam's life. It was touch and go. The doctors had trouble getting Dean's temp down. He had another seizure which worried the doctors and Sam a lot. Dean had to keep up his immunosuppressant drug routine to keep from rejecting his kidney but that meant he needed more antibiotics to fight the infection. Antibiotics where hard on his kidney. They had to put him on dialysis to ease the pressure on his body.

Finally the fever broke.

"Did you get the number of the truck?" Dean asked a few days later when he was finally awake and aware of where he was.

"Not funny. You should have told me asshole? I gave them all the wrong info. That could have killed you, Dean! How do you think I would have felt?"

"I'm sorry, Sammy," Dean said softly. "But I needed this."

"Needed what? To be a big macho man?"

"Fuck you! You weren't there. You were too wrapped up in your perfect little life."

"I didn't know you were sick, man," Sam defended.

"I called you. I called you and said I needed to talk to you. You didn't pick up?"

Shit. He had gotten a strange voice message from Dean. His brother's voice was slurred and half out of it babbling about how he needed Sam to come get him. He had thought Dean drunk dialled him.

"I thought you were drunk," Sam said lamely.

"Screw you, Sam! They had me so doped up on pain killers."

"What do you want me to say? I'm sorry because I am. If I could go back and change it I would."

"Okay, Sammy," Dean said dismissively. Sam was getting the impression that Dean didn't believe him.

"So tell me about it," Sam requested.

"Why? It's done. It's always gonna be like this."

"Who donated your kidney. Was it Dad?"

"Yeah. Then he ditched my ass."

"Dean, I..." Sam started his anger at his dad flaring up.

"Drop it," Dean said firmly. "He was obviously right to. Damn. I was hoping never to have to go through this shit again," he added glaring at the dialysis machine. If looks could kill the thing would have burst into flames.

"Tell me about it?" Sam tried again.


It took a bit more threatening, pleading, arguing and cajoling but Sam finally got Dean to talk."

"I was feeling pretty crappy. I had no energy, trouble catching my breath, stuff like that. Then I was supposed to be watching Dad and Bobby's back on hunt. I screwed up and feel asleep. I just couldn't help it. Dad was pretty pissed, though. Don't you start Sam," Dean cut him off. "We could have been killed. He read me the riot act. Then Bobby read it to him saying he said there was something wrong with me. He chased Dad off the porch with a shot gun. Wouldn't let him come back until he agreed to take me to the hospital. I didn't get a vote," Dean added with a touch of bitterness.

"What happened to your kidney's though? Were you sick?"

"Not sure. Its some big fancy word that starts with an N."

"Dean, how can you not know the name of your condition? Seriously, don't you think its something important to tell doctors. How can you care so little about yourself?" Sam cringed.


"Okay, Dean. I'm sorry. Continue."

"I didn't give a shit what the damn name was all I know was that I was miserable. They turned me into a human pin cushion and stuck of bunch of things into places they didn't belong. They took enough blood to make me think vampires are real. It all came back to dialysis 3 times a week. Man, that fucking sucked. Put a real damper into hunting because its almost impossible to be a rotating dialysis patient. "

Sam figured that would have just about killed his brother. "Sucks.

"You don't know the half of it. They had to do some operation to do something to my veins and you should see the size of those big ass needles they stick you with. The worst was the itching. When it would get time for my treatment, I'd be ready to claw my own skin off. I almost starved because I was only allowed to rabbit food. I couldn't really drink anything because I retained water worse than a pregnant woman. I tried to hunt but I was more of a liability. Dad started spending more and more time away. That was when I called you."

"Dean... I..."

"Don't Sammy. Anyway long story short my blood pressure got really screwy. It was getting dangerously high so they upped dialysis to every 2nd day. That didn't really work so they figured I needed a transplant. Dad agreed. I thought that would be the end of the problems."

"A whole new set, I would imagine."

"Yeah. The operation was actually harder on dad than me. But the drugs I take to stop from rejecting it suck almost as much ass as dialysis. I thought we could hunt again, but I found the drugs slowed me down. I thought I needed more time. Then dad went missing and I came and got you."

"Why didn't you tell me."

Dean just shrugged. "You didn't need to know," he insisted.

"Maybe if I had this could have been avoided. "

"Why? What would have happened if I told you?"

"Dean, did you think I'd leave if I knew? Don't tell me to fuck off or go screw myself either. Did you think I'd ditch you like Dad did if I knew?"

"Why wouldn't you? You're only here to get revenge for Jess.."

"That's not fair," Sam cut him off.

"You're leaving as soon as you do and don't insult me by denying it," Dean said getting angry. "Quite clearly I'm useless like this. Take the keys to the baby and just go Sam while you still can."

"Are you done with your pity party?" Sam asked.


"Mr. Winchester..." a nurse said stepping into the room. "You have to stay calm. This stress isn't good for you."

"Tell him to leave," Dean said seizing the opportunity.


"GO!" he said, his voice clear and leaving no room for argument.

"This isn't over," Sam replied as he followed the nurse out of the room but he knew it was.


It was another month before Dean was released. It didn't help that Dean had more seizures and they had to try to get them under control. For most of the first couple of weeks Dean refused to see him. His stupid stubborn ass brother. When he finally was allowed back in his brother wouldn't talk. The more Sam tried, the more Dean dug his heels in.

He was convinced Sam was going to leave. The problem was Sam couldn't reassure him he was wrong. Not because of his Dean's situation but because he never wanted this life but he had no idea how to make Dean understand that.

Sam was terrified for his brother because the seizures effectively meant that he wasn't going to be able to hunt. This situation was a royal mess and Sam found himself wishing for their dad. He would know what to do.


They hit the road and Sam had no clue how to deal with this situation. Then something happened that was both horrible and good at the same time. Dean tried to hunt an got electrocuted by a rawhead. His heart was fried. When the reaper headed his heart, he somehow healed his kidney.

It was like a whole new Dean as they headed out to investigate a haunted asylum. Sam didn't forget what Dean said. It gave him a whole new understanding and appreciation of his brother and Sam made a silent vow he wasn't' going anywhere ever again.

Famous last words.

Ive always had at least one comment for everything I post. Please do let this be the first to be neglected. I know I kind of coped out on the ending but was unsure of exactly how. This needs to be a multi-chapter story to do it justice but I don't have the time.

Hope you enjoyed it anyway.

Munchausen By Hunting
Title: Munchausen by Hunting
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, Bobby
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen
Word-count: 1531
Spoilers: Some for first seasom
Warnings: Potenial Triggers- Self harm.
Summary: Dean's a good hunter so why does he get injured so much. When Sam asks this question he does not like the answer.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.

Authors Note: This is a fill for this prompt by Sparrow_lately at the Hoodie-Time hurt/comfort Meme. Not sure if this is exactly what your looking for but hopefully it fits the bill.

This takes place early season 1 just after Sam and Dean hook back up after the pilot. It doesn't follow the time line exactly and there are some made up hunts and one made up creature but it will tie together at the end.


There can be no doubt that hunting is a long, hard, cold lonely life that most likely culminates in getting your guts ripped out before you were 30. Injuries are common and expected.

So the first time Dean was injured Sam didn't really think too much about it. A swipe to his side by a black dog. Not life threatening and Sam was able to stitch him back together and Dean seemed okay. He didn't bitch a whole lot about Sam fussing over him.

The hunt for the Windego resulted in a dislocated shoulder that Sam snapped back into place. A week's down time in which Dean seemed to relish treating Sam like a servant and being waited on hand and foot while his shoulder healed.

The werewolf was to close a call. It was inches from biting Dean and Sam lost his temper at his brother for being so careless and letting the werewolf get that close. What the hell had he been thinking Dean just listened to Sam lecture and then apologized for being reckless and said he would use more caution next time.

"Good thing I'm here to watch your ass or you'd get yourself killed," Sam quipped as he wrapped Dean's ankle that he claimed was twisted and what had prevented him from getting out of the werewolves way.

Things seemed to settle down. A new town, new hunt and no injuries.

Then the job at the Asylum where he almost killed his brother and had to pick bits of rocksalt out of his brother's chest. Sam felt bad about what he said and did and he almost wished Dean would get mad at him for it but Dean just thanked him for looking after him and went to bed.

Then Burkettsville, Indiana and their fight. Which resulting in Sam leaving and Dean almost getting killed. Then the Rawhead on top of that and Dean coming so close to dying and the stupid idiot checking himself out of the hospital.

After that it was another job, a revenant this time. Sam would swear on a stack of bibles that when he saw it charge Dean his brother just stood there and made no move to get out of the way until Sam launched himself in a flying tackle to get Dean out of the way. Sam confronted his brother about it but Dean denied it. Sam didn't push since Dean had a concussion. He had his his head when he feel and Sam realized that Dean had made no attempt at protecting when he fell. Dean just seemed to enjoy the attention he got when Sam brought him tomato rice soup when it was the only thing he could keep down.

Another hunt, another injury. This time Sam was paying attention and he knew without a doubt that Dean allowed the Vixen to bite him. Not fatal but a damn painful and long recovery.

Sam had been away at school a long time and he had to admit that he didn't know his brother anymore and he couldn't figure out why one of, if not the best, hunter on the planet was deliberately letting himself get hurt so often. Sam figured the only way was to confront his brother directly. He'd gotten really scared when bathing his brother to get his fever down from the Vixen venom and noticed just how many scars Dean's body contained. Whatever had been going on had obviously started before Dean came and got him at school.

He wished he could find their dad and talk to him.

"Dean, what happened? You deliberately let that Vixen bit you?"

"What?" Dean asked in disbelief. "You're crazy Sam."

"It's not just the Vixen, Dean. Did you not notice you were standing in water when you shot the raw head. You almost died."

"I didn't Sammy. You saved me. My hero," he added snarkily before he walked out the door leaving Sam standing there and sending a strong message he wasn't talking about this anymore.

There were more hunts and more injuries but nothing big just cuts and bruises but Dean tried not to make it not so obvious but now that Sam was on to him and paying attention he couldn't deny that it was deliberate.

Another failed confrontation and Sam started to realize that Dean probably didn't even realize that he was doing it. What had happened when he was at school that Dean kept trying to get himself injured? Something big must have went down. He was determined to get to the bottom of it.

Attempts to reach Caleb, and Pastor Jim were unsuccessful. He even tried to reach his dad out of desperation. He wanted answers before they took on their next hunt.

It was a water sprite. "Dean, please be careful," Sam cautioned.

"You know me, that's my middle name," Dean deflected.

"Make sure it is because I sure as hell ain't giving you mouth to mouth if that thing tries to drown you."


"Dr. Blair, room 302 STAT!" The loud speaker blared. Sam tensed when it went off and sighed with relief when it wasn't Dean's room or Dean's doctor.

His jackass of a brother almost drowned. There was just no way to explain it any other way then Dean letting the damn thing drag him under. It wasn't hard to get him breathing again but leave it to his brother to develop complications that even Sam couldn't fix.

He'd never even heard of secondary drowning. Apparently, it was possible for the for the water Dean inhaled to irritate his lungs and cause them to start filling with fluid. Sam was forced to call an ambulance despite Dean's protests. He didn't have a choice or Dean could have drowned in his own body fluids.


"Sam, thank God!"

Looking up from the uncomfortable plastic chair he had been sitting in, Samsaw Bobby Singer coming toward him.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked in confusion.

"Caleb got your message and called me since I was close by."

"What's going on. Dean, when he were hunting he...."

"Was allowing himself to get hurt," Bobby finished.

"How did you know about that? What the hell is going on?" He could see that Bobby was reluctant to answer but Sam demanded answers and Bobby finally opened up.

"After you left Sam it was a difficult time for your brother. You're dad blamed him for you leaving."

"Of all the stupid..."

"Let me explain. It's not your fault. You're father and Dean started doing separate hunts, hooking up and working together occasionally. Once Dean broke his leg. Totally an unavoidable accident and John stayed around to look after him if only because no one else was available. After that Dean started getting injured more and more. It was almost as if he believed it would make John stay. "

"Thanks for looking out of him Bobby. How long were you looking for us?"

"Since you left school. We figured Dean would go there first but we didn't get there in time. We got our first lead after you called your daddy after the Rawhead. But you boys were long gone when we got there."

"Dean checked himself out of the hospital. Said he wasn't going to die in a hospital where the nurses weren't hot. God, I shouldn't have been so stupid," he berated himself.

"Don't Sam. There was no way you could have known. He usually tried to avoid hurting himself to the point of being hospitalized. He figured it would give your dad a reason to ditch him. I chased John with a shot gun for that one but it's how we figured out what was going on the first time too. Dean let himself get shanked by a demon but the knife went in to deep. He needed surgery."

"I wish I had figured this out sooner, may this could have been avoided."

"I told you to stop beating yourself up," Bobby admonished lightly. "I called your daddy. He's on his way. "

"Bobby, what the hell are you talking about? Dad's missing its why Dean came and got me."

"You're dad wasn't missing Sam. It was Dean who went missing. From Creekmore Psychiatric Hospital. Your father had him committed after the demon stuff. He escaped and went looking for you. You're brothers not well Sam."

"But...what the hell, Bobby? Jessica?"

"Do I think Dean started the fire to force you on the road? I'd be lying if I didn't say the thought crossed my mind. He panicked when he realized exactly what type of hospital he was in. We checked that possibility. It was faulty wiring in the building that started the fire. Dean had nothing to do with it."

Sam got up and looked in on his brother after they had gotten the news that he would be fine. He would be transferred back to Creekmore when he was medically fit.

What happened to the big strong brother that didn't let anything bother him? He had been Sam's rock growing up. What the hell had gone so wrong? Sam had no words he just sunk to the floor and all his worries and fears that he buried for so long bubbled up and boiled over. Sam dropped his head into his hands and began to cry. Bobby just rubbed small circles on his back in silent comfort. There was really nothing else to say.

Please leave me feedback even if you hate it. You don't want my muse to cry.

So Tired Chapter 8
Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia. May be triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.


Author`s Note: First, sorry for the delay. The reasons are two fold. First work has been crazy and second, this was an extremely difficult chapter to write. Trying to cram a two week emotionally traumatic experience for Dean into one chapter was way harder than I though it would be. Way to much for one chapter and I didn`t want to get off the main story for multiple chapters. I must have re-wrote it about 5 times and I`m not sure if I`m happy with it, but probably never will be so decided to post as it.

I had written long detailed therapy sessions but in the end decided that it wasn`t Dean I was writing. Dean would never open up and say some of the stuff I had him saying. The type of program that Dean was in really wouldn`t work for someone like Dean. John`s thoughts at the end of this chapter kind of mirror my own.

While writing this I came up with an idea that would work much better but it was kind of too late to change it. With what I`m planning for the end of this story, my idea would work as a sequel. So I guess I`m wondering if there is anyone that might enjoy reading it?

"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!" Dean cried as he shook his father's hand off his shoulder and opened the car door and bolted.

"Shit, Dean!" John called as he jumped out of the car and ran after his wayward son. Given how easy it was to catch him, it just confirmed to the young father that he was once again making the right decision. Dean needed help but he was still trying to convince himself this was the kind of help Dean needed.

"STOP IT!!!" Dean cried. "LET ME GO!!!"

"Not until you calm down," John said firmly. His son kept trying to pull out of his arms and John felt a little pride that even in his weakened state Dean was putting up a hell of a fight. He had to get it under control before a security guard came out to see what the commotion was about.

"NO!!! GO FU..."


As much as he didn't want to give into those words the response was so ingrained into him that it had become involuntary. Dean stilled but he still fixed his dad with a look of such hurt and betrayal that John, once again, had to fight the temptation to just throw Dean in the car and take off.

"Son," John said trying to keep his voice gentle and calm even though inside he was a churning sea of emotions. "It's only for a short while. Just to help you get back on track."

"I don't fucking need this!!! I'm starving, let's just go get a pizza. Dad, please!!!!" Dean begged. He couldn't believe his father was humiliating him like this, betraying him like this, leaving him behind...abandoning him....",..."

Even though he didn't think it was possible John's heart shattered even more. Dean looked like he was on the verge of tears and John couldn't remember the last time he's seen his son cry. He once again slammed his heart behind steal reinforced concrete and tried to approach the situation rationally. "Take some deep breaths," John coached. He could also tell that Dean was about to panic. He half carried, half dragged Dean to a bench. He sat him down and forced Dean's head between his knees. He rubbed small circles on Dean's back, remembering this was how Mary used to sooth him when he was upset. Although he doubted the tomato rice soup or him signing Hey Jude would go over well right now.

"Son, listen to me. This isn't a punishment Dean. I'm not mad at you." He was disappointed in himself for putting so much pressure on Dean that his son felt the need to starve himself to meet his father's expectations. He was mad at himself because Jim had warned him this was coming and he blew him off assuming he knew what was best. He was afraid of something happening to his child as he could still remember the chill felt when he saw those emaciated bodies and learned that this disease could be fatal if left untreated. If something ever happened to one of his boys, he couldn't go on. He wouldn't want to. That's what he should have said, but he was a Winchester after all and his pride wouldn't let him admit weakness. So he said the worst thing he could have possibly said. "I'm just disappointed."

Dean recoiled as if he'd been slapped. Everything he did he did for his dad and his brother. He tried so hard and it always felt like he failed. Everything came down to making his father proud. Now his dad was disappointed because he did something stupid. It felt like his dad was abandoning him. No matter what his dad has said, if he was getting his ass dumped here it meant that he didn't want Dean in his sight. "Can we just get this over with," he said as all fight drained out of him.

Shit! John knew his kid and that reaction meant he thought his dad was disappointed in him. He wasn't. "Yeah, this is only for a couple of weeks," John said lamely as he followed his kid toward the doors.


Dean had gone silent. That was far worse than the fighting and the shouting. It reminded him so much of those dark days after Mary's death when Dean didn't say a word. He was pretty much just an empty shell. He'd been advised to hospitalize Dean than too. He was determined he knew what was best for his child and he used the only thing that worked.


He sometimes wondered if that was a mistake, to make Dean so responsible for his brother when he was so young and traumatized himself. It was the only thing that worked, though. The only way to get Dean to actually engage in the world. He seemed to relish the task and it allowed John to be able be free to look for Mary's killer. The way Dean stepped up to the plate was amazing. Looking across that elevator at his first born he realized just how proud he was of the man his son was turning out to be.

When was the last time you told him that? John sighed, just loud enough for Dean to hear. The look that crossed his boy's face clearly indicated that he was thinking his dad was annoyed that he had to deal with a fuck up as a son.

That wasn't true.
He knew he needed to set the record straight now matter how much it hurt his pride.



He didn't know if it was fate or coincidence. No sooner had they stepped off the elevator they saw on orderly escorting a female patient down the hall. She looked like a walking skeleton. It looked like flesh just resting on top of bone. She was wearing a restraining belt that kept her hands by her side, which they both guessed was to prevent her from attempting to pull out the feeding tube that they could see protruding from her left nostril. They saw the orderly escort the patient through a locked door that could only open with code entered on the keypad.

John had been planning on saying everything thing he was thinking but all that flew out the window when he had to try and prevent Dean from jumping back into the elevator.


This began one of the humiliating days of Dean's life. First, he had a lecture from the unit supervisor, Dr. Marilyn Gold, where he tried to pretend he was paying attention to the rules and what was expected of him. Then he was subjected to a through physical and they checked everything and everywhere. Nothing was left unchecked or unprobed. He was forced to don the blue scrub pants, white t-shirt and shower shoes. Worst of all they made him give up his necklace. He never took that off. Not since the day Sam gave it to him. They said they'd give it to his father for safe keeping.

Now he was sitting in what was to be his room for the next two weeks with his dad, Dr. Gold and a giant mother of a man named Cliff, who was an orderly while a nurse named Meg went through and cataloged the contents of his duffle.

Being on the road and living in hotel rooms you didn't get much, if any, privacy but all their duffel bags were the exception. No one touched the others. Now, all his private possessions were going to be on full display. In front of his dad, including....fuck!

"One copy of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's nest," Meg announced after she's gone through all this t-shirts, shirts, socks, jeans and underwear. "One copy of Lord of the Rings trilogy. One wooden box. " The nurse gave it a shake and when it rattled Dean knew what was coming next. He didn't care so much about the box. He'd made it in shop class in junior high. It was a simple box with the AC/DC logo carved into the top. One of the few A's he'd ever gotten. No it was what was inside that Dean was more concerned with. It was his private stuff, damnit. They had no right to put it on display like that. When the nurse started for the clasp he reacted on instinct and grabbed the box right out of the hands of the surprised nurse.

"There's nothing important in there," Dean replied and he held the box close to his chest.

"DEAN!" John replied in a warning tone. He'd seen the box at various times and he had a vague idea of what was in it. He and Sam had one too. Made by Dean in his shop class. His had the boys birth certificates, a few keepsakes and a few pictures. He figured both his boys had pretty much the same thing.

"There is nothing in here that I need to give you."

"Son, this is a rule. We have to go through everything," Cliff said holding out his hand. Dean just pulled the box tighter to him. Why wouldn't they all just fuck off and leave him alone? There were things in this box that he didn't want his dad to see and things he didn't want sitting in some storage locker.
"I'll give you what you want," Dean said in a resigned tone. He opened the box and fished out a swiss army knife and handed it over. "There's nothing else in there that should be against the rules," Dean pleaded hoping if he compromised they wouldn't have to look through it.

"We either need to catalog everything or you can give the box to your dad to take home."

"I promise I won't look through it, Dean," John offered as he held out his hand for the box.

"No. I....there are some things in here that I want to keep with me," Dean answered.

"We can't let you keep the box itself," Dr. Gold explained. "The edges are too sharp.


Knowing the more they insisted the more Dean would get belligerent and dig his heals in. "I'll tell you what. I'll leave," John offered. He could give Dean that.

"Is that okay?" Dr. Gold asked.

"I guess," Dean said reluctantly as he handed over his box.

"Hopefully it's not a skin mag," Cliff quipped hoping to lighten the mood. It didn't work, Dean just scowled deeper. He could care less if his dad caught him with porn. No, what was in there was something that his dad would blow a gasket over if he knew that Dean had even thought about it.

He sat stiffly trying to attempt to snatch the box again as the nurse went through his most intimate possessions. It left Dean feeling more violated than the physical exam as the nurse, with no emotions, cataloged photos of his mom, brother and father. There was the half burned, half melted rosary that belonged to his mother. He'd found it in the house after the fire when his dad had dragged him back there. It had been intense and had destroyed almost everything. He knew it was kind of creepy but it was the only thing left of his mom. There were a few letters that Jim had sent him from Costa Rica, plus the silver bullet that Caleb had turned into a key chain. The werewolf had been Dean's first kill. His father had received a purple heart in 'Nam and he'd given it to his son after Dean's head injury. His first really serious hunting injury.

Then there was the object that he didn't want his dad to see. The brochures from CalTech and MIT. His teacher bought it up after he won a science fair. He'd turned an old walkman into an EMF. He wasn't seriously considering it, he didn't have the grades, and he didn't want to spend four more years in school and he'd never leave his family. Although he'd be lying if he said the idea didn't have some appeal. He'd really enjoyed tinkering and experimenting with things and he would like to learn how to make more thing-a-ma-jigs. His father would take it the wrong way though. He'd never understand.

"You can keep the pictures, letters and the brochures but the rest has to either go with your dad or be locked up."

"Give it to my dad," Dean replied. "Can you give him my necklace too? I don't want it to get lost."


After saying goodbye to his father, Dean took in his surroundings wishing he knew how he got himself in this mess. It looked like every typical hospital room he'd ever been in. At least it had a window as he disliked being confined in tight spaces. He just wished he didn't have a roommate. After putting his few things away, he sat on his bed and wondered what to do with himself. The desire to meet his fellow inmates was nonexistent so the common area was out. Maybe there was a way to sneak out. There was a key pad but he figured that shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Dad might be mad but he'd get a hunt and get over it. More importantly would his dad be at the motel? Had he left?

He had to get off this train of thought before he worked himself into a panic attack. So he pulled out Lord of the Rings and immersed himself in the land of hobbits, dwarfs, and elves until dinner time.


It was no surprise that Dean found himself sleeping in restraints and given sleeping pills by the end of the first week. Worries over whether his dad would come back for him, feeling pressure to eat when he wasn't hungry, being forced to talk about his private thoughts to a group of strangers and doctors were causing nightmares. One of the orderlies had attempted to awaken him and half asleep and not quite knowing where he was he'd taken a swing at the orderly. He also took a swing at the doctor when they tried to drug him.

He was miserable and they were know threatening him with a feeding tube since he was barely eating. They should all just fuck off about that. He wasn't eating because they wouldn't just leave him alone. The more they tried to force him, the more he felt his appetite disappearing.

He just wanted to see his dad and his brother. Was that too much to ask? Apparently it was. The more he asked the more they told him no. He attempted use the phone at the nurses station but he'd been caught and forced to hang up before his dad could pick up. It started to weigh on his mind if his dad was even there. He'd had a panic attack after that and they stuck him on clonazepam and doubled his meetings with his psychiatrist so he met with him twice a day instead. That killed the little appetite he'd had left. They made good on their threat of a feeding tube. When he pulled it out twice they stuck the restraining belt on him.

All in all he it was the worst time of his life. Considering some of the things he'd experienced that was saying something. The minutes were like hours and he didn't think his stint in hell was ever going to end.

The therapy sessions were by far the worst. Dr. Cooper seemed to be able to make him talk about stuff he didn't want to talk about. After what felt like two years Dean found himself sitting in Dr. Copper's office for his final session. He was going home tomorrow. Now he just had to make it through this appointment without saying or doing something stupid.


Sitting still and doing nothing was not in Dean Winchester's skill set. So when his doctor was late he tried to stay in his seat but he quickly got bored so he got up and started looking around at the bookshelves. He found a copy of The Lord of the Rings. Stupid doctor got Dean to admit that he sometimes felt like Samwise with the way he was expected to make looking after Sam his priority. He loved his brother but there were times when he wished he could have a little more freedom. There was a copy of the Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov. He never finished it because he found it boring but he did like the concept of psychohistory and predicting the future through math. That lead to a conversation about a future he could never have. Dr. Cooper had brought up his grades and the MIT and CalTech brochures and they argued about whether Dean was smart enough to attend. Dean disagreed. He saw an unsolved Rubik's cube and if his hands weren't stuck to his side he probably would have solved it. He got a kick out of the fact that it seemed to be the one thing he figured out that Sam couldn't.

"Sorry I'm late, Dean," Dr. Cooper said as he entered the office. "Is there any book you want to borrow?"

Alarm bells instantly went off in Dean's head. "I'm leaving tomorrow," he reminded the doctor.

"The books are there for my patients. I'm not too worried if I get it back."

"I'll pass. Let's just get this done. I have to pack. Can I get this thing out?" he asked indicating the feeding tube. He didn't want his dad to see it or Sam.

"Maybe tomorrow after we speak to your dad. I'd rather you keep it in. You're still not eating as much as we'd like. I don't want you to lose the weight you put back on."

"I'd eat more if you would all...."

"Leave you the fuck alone," Dr. Cooper finished. "It's been my experience that most people in your situation..."

"I'm not most people!" Dean said in frustration.

"Alright Dean lets calms down and talk about this..."

"There is nothing to talk about!" Dean insisted. "Can I just go back to my cell?"

"You're not in jail."

"Sure feels like it," Dean said indicating his restraints.

"I'll make you a deal," Dr. Cooper offered. He found out that he was much more likely to get cooperation from Dean if he offered something in return. "I'll take the belt off if you promise to leave the tube alone. One move toward it though and the belt goes back on."

"Deal," Dean said quickly.

The doctor released the straps and he could tell Dean was fighting to keep his half of the bargain. He knew it was only a matter of time before he gave in so he decided to keep Dean occupied. "Here, try to solve this," he said handing him the Rubik's cube.

Dean scoffed. He knew exactly what was happening. That still didn't stop him from solving the cube in under 8 minutes.

"How did you do that?"

"It's easy," Dean shrugged.

"Can you show me? I've never been able to figure the damn thing out."

"Pick a color."


"This is a cube. The top, bottom, and sides move the middle cube never does. So that tells you what side you have to solve red on."

"I can get one side but that's all," Dr. Cooper admitted.

"It's best to start with a cross. But you have to line up the colors. You can't just have any red."

"I'm not sure what you mean?"

"Like I said, the middle cube doesn't change. See how this middle is red and this one green. You have to find the red and green cube and line it up." Dean demonstrated and several twists and turns later the cube was solved.

"I never would have figured that out. That tells me..."

"Don't!" Dean cut him off. He was not having this argument again. "Are we done?"

"You know the answer. I saw you reading To Kill a Mockingbird. How did you like it."

"It's okay. Not my usual tastes though," Dean said tentatively. He knew that the doctor was trying trick him.

"Whose you're favorite character?"

"Atticus," Dean replied. That seemed harmless. He wasn't getting tricked again.


"Because of who he was. He helped Tom even though he knew it was an impossible task he still tried to do the best he could. He never gave up."

"That's important to you?"

"Yeah. My Dad's like that. He'll do what he can. He's not a lawyer or anything but he still tries to help in any way he can." Crap. He did it again. He decided he'd better change the subject before the doctor could bring up his dad. He didn't want to give the doctor a reason to call social services. "Scout reminds me so much of my brother Sammy. The part where she goes to school and the teacher is surprised to find out she already knows how to read. My brothers like that. He's super smart. Way smarter than me." Shit.

As much as Dr. Cooper wanted to pursue this topic, that Dean felt he was never good enough, he decided to try a different tactic. Push and Dean would clam up fast. "What about you?" He asked. "Are you Jem. Scout's big brother."

“No, I think Boo Radley better describes me.”

“Why would you say that?” Dr. Cooper questioned. He was not expecting Dean’s answer and he was really surprised at the words that followed his question.

“Because he’s just kind of there. Because of who he is everyone thinks he’s the bad guy and that he’s gonna screw up or hurt someone. It’s what I do. I disappoint everyone.”

“But Boo was a hero in the end,” Dr. Cooper reminded Dean.

“Yeah, but no one would ever give him the benefit of the doubt. Even though he never did anything to anyone.”

“You made some mistakes, Dean. There is no denying that but, like Boo you can prove you’re actually not what people think you are.”

“What’s that?” Dean said bitterly. “A screw up who breaks everything he touches. My dad counts on me and I let him down. My little brother is way smarter than me and I let him down because I’m supposed to be there for him, but I'm here.


“No!” Dean snapped cursing himself silently for losing his focus and spilling all that. He hadn’t meant to. “Can I go back to my cell, please?” He hated himself even more for begging.

“Alright, but I want to revisit this topic in our next session."

“What?” Dean exploded. "I'm going home. There is no next session."

After hitting the button to get the orderly because he knew that Dean was going to explode at what he was going to say next. "I was going to wait and discuss this with your father but I don't think you're ready. I'm going to recommend that we transfer you over to long term care.

John Winchester was on his way to Hillside for a meeting with Dean's treatment team. They had been keeping him apprised of everything going on and he knew that things hadn't gone well at all. Feeding tubes, restraints, pills, refusal to cooperate, trying to sneak out, and breaking rules. He wasn't surprised. Dean only obeyed those whose authority he respected.

There were several times John wanted to pull Dean out of treatment but allowed himself to be talked out of it. Dean needed help. There was no doubt about it but he wondered if this was the right kind. He wondered if he had made a giant mistake and actually made Dean worse. He just knew that he was not leaving his son here.

When he saw his boy he was finally sure he made the right choice. Dean's explosion at finding out they were recommending an extended confinement had been intense. He's given his doctor and the orderly a black eye and had spent the night in a drugged sleep. He looked like he'd lost weight. He was so pale he looked like a ghost. Worst were his eyes. They were glassy from the effect of the medication but they were also so lifeless, like he was giving up.

He sat there and listened to them trying to convince him that they only had Dean's best interests at heart. John was sure they thought they did but they didn't know his boy. He was one of a kind. Standard treatment plans wouldn't work. He was berating himself for not listening to his instincts from the beginning. Every time he believed he was doing the right thing he realized that he had convinced himself because this was the easy answer.

He agreed to bring Dean in for therapy once a day and a check up once a week. He agreed to the medication and the sleeping pills and to leaving the feeding tube in, but he insisted he was bringing his son home.

When they got into the car, John rolled down the window and threw Dean's pill bottles out. The first spark of life returned to Dean's eyes. "Hunt in Wyoming. Chupacabra I think. We better get a head start tonight. Won't be making it to therapy tomorrow." Dean grinned. "You'll need your strength, though. Plus, I doubt you'll want to explain that tube to Sam, so rip it out."

Dean laughed for the first time in weeks and pulled the tube out of his nose and threw it out the window. He was not impressed when his dad pulled into Wendy's but he figured if his dad was giving him the benefit of the doubt he could at least try.

It wasn't easy and it was slow but he managed to build his strength back up and if he showed signs of a relapse his dad would mention Hillside and Dean would try to get back on track.


Present Day

Shaking his head out of his memories, Dean shoved his books away from him. He got up and forced himself to eat an apple. No way he was ever repeating that experience. He'd rather spend time he hell. It couldn't be worse than the Hillside Youth Psychiatric Hospital.

So Tired Chapter 7
So Tired Chapter 7

Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia. May be a little triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.


He didn't think he'd gotten so much as 30 minutes of sleep the night before. Nightmares kept assaulting him frequently. He never wanted to go back to Hillside Psychiatric Hospital and he was worried that his father might send him back if he lost more weight. He was back to skipping meals, not because he wanted to lose weight but because he was afraid to the food running out and most days he just didn't feel like eating.

So he forced himself to make and eat breakfast even though it was the last thing he wanted. He even made a half sandwich and took an apple for lunch.

It was the worst time in his life and unfortunately it looked like circumstances where ideal for it to be repeated. He was going to make sure that didn't happen. But how did he avoid it?

Last year everything that had started it all was pretty much identical to what he was facing now. It had been repeated many times before and would happen many times in the future. Their dad was late from a hunt and the food was running out and Dean had no idea when he'd be back. So he started drinking water for breakfast and lunch and ate a few spoonfuls of supper, while discreetly making sure to save enough leftover's for Sam's lunch the next day.

So what happened last year? It was dumb and stupid and embarrassing. That's what it was. He couldn't believe he let it happen.

He'd been trying to impress his Dad. He couldn't believe what an idiot he for thinking he could pull it off. When he'd stopped eating he dropped a few pounds. That was a given, but it was nothing significant.

His dad had come home and had been injured, not seriously, but in his not so logical-Winchester logic he blamed his injury on the fact that his sons weren't in shape.

So he began an intense training regime. They checked into a nicer hotel that had a gym and a pool. It was anything but fun, though. They swam laps, ran on treadmills, lifted weights, were put through a calisthenics course that put Marine training to shame. Of course, all Sam did was bitch but it allowed him to lose the last bit of his baby fat. Dean was never sure if it was a coincidence but he found losing those couple pounds allowed him to shave a couple seconds off his best times. His father got that look when he clicked the stop watch, almost like he was proud.

When the next hunt came up, they were dropped off at Pastor Jim's since it was close by and told to keep up the training. The food was abundant and Dean put back on the weight he lost, and lost a couple of seconds off his time.

So he went back to not eating much supper. It wasn't about him being fat. He knew he wasn't. He just wanted to get in shape.

He became good at making it look like he was eating. He would cut his food up into small pieces and push it around his plate and only eat a couple of bits. He could claim he was up early and already ate when it came time for breakfast and he'd take a lunch with him when he went out and just ditch it in the woods. At least that was what he thought he was getting away with it.

He should have known he couldn't fool Pastor Jim. He had been confronted several times and denied it but Jim eventually caught him in the act when he followed Dean on a training run. He'd been angry at not being trusted at first but Jim didn't seem mad, just disappointed when Dean admitted the real reason he wasn't eating. Anger would have been easier to deal with since all he did was disappoint the people he cared about.

So did he disappoint Jim or did he disappoint his dad?

He tried to please them both and eat a little more but he just upped his training regime so help burn off the extra calories.

Jim caught him at that too and put him on a tight training and eating schedule. Dean also found himself sitting in a doctor's office being lectured. It was then that he first heard the term Anorexia. He didn't have it but the doctor thought he was headed down a dangerous path.

Dean tried harder, he did but then his dad came home and he lost a couple of seconds and he had to put up with the lecture about him not training hard enough.

So skipping one or two meals and hearing his dad say he was proud of Dean's times and the effort he put into training was worth it right?

"Dean, hey Dean, Earth to Dean," a voice cut into his thoughts.

"What do you want?" Dean snapped with more force than he'd intended too.

"I said if you're getting the groceries can you get some Lucky Charms. I ate the last of them yesterday."

"They're too expensive and the is a big box of Corn Flakes that's not even opened.

"Gross. Why can't you buy some things I like?"

"I'll tell you what Sam, when I get paid I'll give you $50 and you can go and do the shopping. "

"It's your responsibility and I hate grocery shopping," Sam whined.

"Then stop bitching about what I buy. "

"But you buy crap," Sam complained.

"I'll make you a bet," Dean suddenly put forward. "I'll give you $50 dollars when I get paid and you go shopping. If you can get everything you want and make sure we have enough for a week I'll give you the $20 for your project. If you can't than you have to do all the house work for a week. "

"Deal," Sam said eagerly. He was way smarter than Dean so how hard can it be. He debated getting the flyers and making a list but his volcano was more important to he started trying to figure out how to make that epic.


At least Mr. Lafitte was back so Dean wasn't going to have to put up with Ms. Best for inclusion. Thank God for that small favor.

"Dean, I had a chance to read over your English essay and I want to say good job. You just have to do go over some grammar and spelling mistakes but it should be ready to hand in Monday. Excellent points about the power death holds over us. I really like how you demonstrated this was an ongoing theme throughout all Poe's work."

"Thanks sir," Dean said with a genuine smile. He didn't often get complements on his school work. He was kind of proud of that essay. He wondered if his dad would like it. Probably not, he decided.

"So now we need to talk about your PSHE project, Ms. Best is concerned that you don't appeared to have started it yet and its due in a week."

"I got the info," Dean said defensively. "Here." He pulled out his note book for Mr. Lafitte to look over.

"You have all the info, but its lacking the personal touch that your English essay did."

Dean looked at him sharply. Did he know? Is that why they gave him this topic.

"Is everything okay? You look like you've seen a Ghost."

"I'm fine," Dean said trying to keep his temper under control. His dad promised.

"Okay, when I say personal touch why not look at it from a guys perspective. I know most only think it effects girls but...."

Fuck, he did know. "He told you," Dean accused. "He promised he wouldn't say a word to anyone," he said in quiet disbelief.

"Dean, are you okay. Tell me what? No one said a word to me."

"About...." he stopped abruptly and looked around to make sure no one could hear him. "Never mind. Can I just go the bathroom. I feel sick."

"Dean, calm down," Benny said. He could recognize the signs of a panic attack. "Go the washroom and splash some water on your face and you can go home for the day but we are going to talk about this tomorrow.

He didn't need to be told twice he just grabbed his back pack and hightailed it out of the room as fast as he could go.


He spent the evening wondering how he could get out of going to school tomorrow. He could fake a migraine but then they might want a note. He could somehow manage to really break his leg, but then his father would have to come home and Dean would have failed him again. Maybe his appendix would burst but that again would make him disappoint his dad. Maybe he could just vanish off the face of the Earth. It's not like anyone would really miss him. Sam could stay at Pastor Jim's or Bobby's.

The time in the psych hospital was something Dean did not want to think about but it wouldn't leave him alone. It was the only thing on his mind and no matter what he did, he couldn't distract himself from his memories. He'd been doing so good at burying it. Why the hell was all this coming up now?

His dad for the first time since Dean was 6 and shot the bottles off the fence had said he was proud of his son. So what if he skipped a few meals to get there. So what if he skipped a few more to make his dad even more proud by being stronger and able run faster and jump higher. It was no big deal right?

Except that after a while it had the opposite effect. He started to feel weaker and get slower causing his dad to yell at him for being lazy.

He started losing track of what way was up. Should he eat more or less or did it even matter. He got so turned around he stopped wanting to eat altogether because it seemed he was dammed if he did and damned if he didn't and if he didn't the food would last longer.

So being fat and worried about what he weighted didn't have a damned thing to do with it. Stupid doctors didn't know what they were talking about. He only collapsed at school because he was tired from all the training and not sleeping right, not because he stopped eating. He just needed a nap not the stint in hell that his doctor recommended. He'd get better if people would leave him the fuck alone, but no his traitor father agreed and sent Dean away. He was poked and prodded and analyzed and...

NO!!!! Just fuck no!!!!!


That better not be fucking work because if he went in there tonight he was seriously going to be fired for telling everyone off. "Hello," he said tentatively.

"Dean, what the fuck is going on there? Why the hell did I get a call from your teacher?"

Okay, this as so much worse. "Dad, I didn't do anything," Dean said in a rare defense of himself.

"I can believe that," John snapped back. "Is that why I'm getting calls. I told you to keep your nose clean. You're just damned lucky he didn't ask to meet with me because I can't get away."

"I...." How did he explain this? "I had trouble on an assignment. I frustrated with it."

"Excuses. It's stupid school work. Do your best to pass that's all I ask. You can't even do that?"

"I'm not stupid," Dean said defensively.

John sighed loudly. "I never said you were. Now what about the assignment got you so upset."

"My health teacher's a bitch and..."


"WHAT? She wanted me to do a project on anorexia, okay. I didn't want to but I did it anyway. I half-assed it. Happy?" Dean had to fight the urge to just hang up on his father, but that would be the equivalent to committing suicide.

John felt some of his anger evaporating. He knew that his son was embarrassed about that time. It was a deal he made with Dean. If Dean cooperated with the doctors he would never mention it to anyone. Not even Pastor Jim knew that Dean spent time in the hospital for it. Blowing off Jim's concerns was something he regretted. Maybe the whole thing could have been avoided. Seeing Dean in the hospital after he had collapsed had scared him. You could count his ribs, he was so thin. The doctor's had showed him pictures and the thought of one of those emaciated bodies potentially being his son was enough for him to agree that Dean needed treatment and more than he could give him. They'd told Sam that Dean was spending time with a buddy of his studying hunting.

"I understand son," John said gently. This was an extremely touchy subject and could set Dean off like nobody's business. "I'm not upset if you just did what was necessary but I still don't understand why I got a call from your teacher?"

"You told," Dean suddenly accused.

He what? He hadn't.
It was one promise he actually kept. "I didn't tell anyone?"

"Then how did he know?"


"Mr. Lafitte. He was going over my work and told me to add personal touches and look at it from a guys perspective. Why would he say those things if he didn't know?"

"Dean! Dean, listen to me. You have to calm down son. Take some deep breaths for me." Great he'd been warned that stuff like this could cause Dean to have a setback. He just hoped he wasn't going to have to cut this trip short. He had a lead, and he didn't need to be dealing with teenage crap. "Alright, now I didn't say a word Dean. If you think about it he was probably just making suggestions."

"Sorry dad," Dean said feeling embarrassed. He over reacted as per usual. God, he really was such a screw up.

"Now are you eating?"

"YES!!" Dean exploded again.

"CALM DOWN SOLIDER AND THATS AN ORDER. It's just a question. One I have every right to ask. I'm going to weigh you when I get back."

"I'm not going back." Dean immediately answered. "If you make me I'm just going to run away."

"Are you through? I'm not sending you back there. I never said I was. I just want to make sure your looking after yourself."

"Well I am," Dean said and he decided he didn't care at the moment if he lived or died because he was done talking about this and he just hung up the phone. He didn't even care about his homework. He just went down the hall and went to bed. He really didn't give two fucks that it was only 6pm. Sam could fend for himself.


Last year

Dean was laying in his hospital bed wondering when his dad was just going to discharge him. He'd been here for a week and no one would leave him alone. They keep bring him food and he kept insisting no one could eat the crap they were trying to feed him. He wasn't allowed in the room alone during meal times after a nurse caught him throwing up after diner one time. She sat with him and insisted he eat even though he wasn't fucking hungry. They threatened him with tubes. His father would tell them where to go with that one. He just wished he'd get on with it already. He was meeting with his doctor to arrange his discharge.

"Ready to get out of here dude," John asked.

"I was ready a week ago. Why did it take so long. I just needed a good nap."

John tried to keep his expression neutral as he helped Dean get dressed. He tired so easily these days. He had no idea if he was doing the right thing or not. All he knew was that he had no idea how to handle this situation. He'd been told that just forcing Dean to eat wouldn't change anything. They had to find the underlying cause. So John agreed to send Dean to a clinic that specialized in eating disorders.

He just hadn't told Dean that yet.

Dean was going to go ballistic when he found out, that was as sure as the sun coming up every morning.

"Dad, can I ask you something?" Dean said seriously when they were in the car.


"Does Sam know why I was in the hospital? You just told him I overworked myself right. I'm not anorexic or whatever the hell they were trying to label me with. I'm not some girl. He'll tease me anyway."

"No, I didn't tell him," John said honestly. Okay, part of the reason was that he didn't need to get into it with Sam over him leaving for hunts. The other reason is that Sam often didn't have a filter and said things that Dean took the wrong way, and John did not need him giving Dean a hard time over this, so part of it really was to protect Dean.

"Thanks. Are there any hunts your working on? I feel much better now and I can help."

"I know you can, kiddo," John said sincerely. "You'll be better than your old man some day." He was pleased when Dean smiled.

"I have a few leads. What to get a pizza and go discuss them?" Maybe the doctors were full of shit. Those hopes were quickly dashed when Dean looked a little green and mumbled he wasn't hungry. "I better get back to training so I can be in shape for hunting."

"You heard the doctors. Proper nutrition is a part of that." God, he felt like such a hypocrite. To him proper nutrition was putting tomatoes and lettuce on a hamburger.

"I said I wasn't hungry," Dean insisted. God, didn't anyone ever listen to him. "I'll eat later."

No, unfortunately what he was about to do could not be avoided.

"I can't wait to get out of this place. Please tell me we're moving," Dean requested. He didn't want anyone at school asking too many questions.

"No, we have to stay for a little while," John covered.

"Can I at least not go to back to that crappy school. I can learn so much more working with you."

"No, you don't have to go back there," John said giving a partial truth. "Dean, about..."

"Thanks, Dad. Maybe we could go for a run. I bet I could beat my time by 3 seconds."


"Where are we going?" He asked suddenly. "The motel is the other way."

Don't ask me that baby, please. I don't know how to answer it.
"ah...not staying there," John mumbled still attempting not to completely lie.

"Why did we switch hotels? The last one had a pool and I know that Sam liked that." Great his brother was going to be a little bitch about having nothing to do.

"We didn't exactly..."

"WHERE ARE WE?" Dean demanded when John turned the corner and into the driveway of what looked exactly like a hospital. "Why are we here?"

"Dean, I need you to listen to me," John said gently as he pulled into the parking lot and turned to face his distraught son.

"Why are we back at a hospital? I'm not stupid. I know where we are."


"No, fuck off. I'm not..."

"Dean?" John inquired when his son stopped in mid sentence and saw that he was staring at the front entrance and the sign over the door.

Hillside Youth Psychiatric Hospital.


"Alright, Dean that's enough. You need help."

"I said I was fine. I don't have a girl disease," he insisted, growing more frantic by the minute.


Dean cried as he shook his father's hand off his shoulder and opened the car door and bolted.


Author's note: I decided to show Dean's experience in the hospital in detail, because I have always wanted to attempt Dean in a psych ward and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to include it. One of the hardest things about this challenge was finding a believable reason why it would be important for Dean to lose weight, rather than it strictly being a body image issue. Hopefully I found a believable reason that fits with Dean's character. I was also trying to look at the situation from Deans' POV so I hope I didn't upset anyone by referring to it as a "girl disease." I know its anything but.

Anyway, don't forget the feedback. My muse is very insecure and need constant reassurance that the story is being read and people are enjoying it.

So Tired Chapter 6
So Tired Chapter 6

Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia. May be a little triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.

Chapter 6

Dean had been right, it never lasted. When he woke up on Monday morning his father was gone with nothing more than a vague note and 50 bucks and instructions to watch out for Sam. He wondered if he could get another away with another day off. He probably could but decided against it because he felt rested and caught up for the first time since they moved here. He didn't want to fall further behind.

School was typical. He sat through boring classes and boring inclusion. He was kind of disappointed when Cas didn't show up in the library. Dean saw him chatting with someone on his way out the door so he figured Cas probably made a real friend. It didn't matter if he came or not. It really didn't. It's not like he cared one way or the other.

Work sucked ass as per usual. 5 hours of getting screamed at by blue haired old ladies because he dared to put a bag of marshmallows in with bread. (Yes, he seriously had a complaint put in against him for this very thing.)

Home and two hours of homework and arguing with Sam about money, Sam's plans, and their dad.

This was Dean's life over the next month. School, work, and homework. Cas's time in the library seemed be getting less frequent. He missed a week straight one time. Not that he was keeping track or anything because he wasn't.

Their dad popped in and out. When he was home, Dean had to admit that things got worse. Whatever case his dad was working it was leaving him grouchy and in a permanent pissed off state. It seemed like he was the one baring the weight of his dad's anger. Dean could only figure that the case could only have to do with one thing.


The only time Dad got this obsessed was when he was chasing a lead over the thing that killed their mother. He tried asking about it one time only to have their dad literally shove him aside and head out of the apartment. Dean banged his head and had to use one of his imitrex doses. He learned not to ask after that.

Sam wasn't making things easier. When their dad was home it was like he went out of his way to pick a fight. It didn't matter what how big or small, from Sam wanting to go on an overnight away game to the fact that their father bought chunky peanut butter one day.

He tried to stay out of things and keep his head down. When Sam ticked off their father, he was more often than not the one punished. In addition to work his weekends were filled with extra miles, push-ups, sit-ups and chores.

He didn't mind helping out, he really didn't, but even he had to admitted he was getting downright frustrated, not to mention seriously pissed off, that all house work seemed to fall on his shoulders. Sam did an occasional sink of dishes but that was about it. He tried to talk to both of them about it but they both seemed to have more important things to deal with.

Like he didn't. It wasn't like he was trying to keep up with homework or hold down a job or keep the place in shape or find ways to placate both his dad and Sam. Okay, maybe he was a tiny bit bitter but damnit, he had a right to be.


It was a typical morning, Dean got up, got ready for school, fought with Sam over something he couldn't be bothered remembering and went to grab the mail. He usually hated the start of the month because that was when the bills were in. He'd dodged a bullet because their father had just left and paid the rent (he didn't ask where the money came from. He knew better) and left him another $50 for food, $40 for the phone and the full $150 for the power, plus he went and bought a weeks worth of groceries so Dean could put $40 aside for emergencies. After he finished his shift he decided to do something reckless. He'd take $10 of the money and got himself a treat at MacDonald's. He'd probably come to regret it but he figured he deserved it and their dad would never know. It wasn't much but he was kind of proud of himself for going against orders.

They say that pride goeth before a fall and he found out that today was no exception. He went down to grab the mail and found the power bill and the phone bill. He opened both on the way back up to the apartment. He suddenly felt himself get dizzy and he barely managed to keep himself from falling backwards. The walls felt like they were closing in on him and it felt like his chest was closing up. He knew what was happening and he sat on the step and tucked his head between his knees. Fuck, this hadn't happened in a long time. Not since...last year when all the shit went down. He took some deep breaths until the walls stopped spinning and he could breathe normally again. He scooped up the bills and headed toward the apartment. He'd been planning on having breakfast but he decided to skip it and took his peanut butter and bread and made it into a sandwich for Sam's lunch.

"So can I Dean?" Sam asked as he came back into the kitchen.

"Can you what?" Dean asked distractedly. He hadn't paid attention to anything Sam had said that morning.

"You never pay attention to anything I need. I said I need $20 dollars, for our science project. Me and Ian are going to build a volcano and that's my share of the stuff we need."

"No!" Dean said tensely.


"You have your money. That was the deal Sam. You got an extra $15 in tips. Where's that money?"

"I had to use it when we went to the movies and then out to eat. I spent the rest on treats when I spent the night at Billy's house. "

"So you wasted it. To bad."

"But Dean, I need this money. It's for school," Sam all but whined.

"Tell me where I'm supposed to get it."

"Dad gave you some. I saw him."

"For food and bills," Dean argued. "I just don't have it."

"But what about my project?"

"You're smart, either figure it out or get a job. Now let's just get to school."


Dean was sitting in the library staring at the two bills in front of him. He kept hoping he was looking at them wrong. He'd known that his father had spend large amounts of time on the phone but it never really occurred to him that the majority of them were long distance. His dad had been making calls all over the states, he'd called Scotland (Scotland?) and he even called the Zaire. At least that made sense. Pastor Jim did a lot of missionary work all over the world.

Dean smiled when he thought of the Pastor. After his dad and Sammy, Jim was his favorite person. He'd even offered to let Dean come with him one time on trip to Costa Rica. At first he'd been hesitant because he was an atheist. Something Pastor Jim always respected. Jim said the trip was so much more. It was about helping people, and teaching them usable skills, such as farming techniques and helping them learn to read and write. He said he would even introduce Dean to some Hunters he knew there. Plus, there would be lots of time for fun and they'd visit Nicaragua and Panama and Dean could try surfing if he wanted, and Scuba diving.

The trip was sounding better and better but Dean knew his dad would never let him go. Jim just told him to leave John to him. To his surprise John thought the trip would be good for his eldest. Dean wished he'd been a fly on the wall for that conversation.

Then his darling little brother had to get involved. He got jealous and whined endlessly that the trip was more suited to him because he could appreciate it more. Jim told Sam that he would take him when he got older but that wasn't good enough. John said no one was going just to shut Sam up.

Dean did what he always did. He sucked it up and was a good soldier and tried not to let his disappointment show. Then Jim worked another miracle and the trip was back on. What did Jim have on his dad? Once again Dean allowed himself to look forward to something.

Then it all came crashing down again when their dad got a lead on a hunt and took off, one day before they were supposed to leave. With nothing but a note that said look after Sam. He'd forgotten Dean was supposed to leave and there was no one to look after his darling little brother.

With all the long distance calls the bill was $311. The power company apparently wanted a deposit of $200 along with the $120 dollar budget payment. That left him figuring out how to pay $631 with the $150 his dad left him.

It was why he should know better than to think something good could ever happen to him. Nothing ever did.

"Hey Dean." A voice cut into his thoughts as he heard someone pluck into the seat across from him.

"Hey," he mumbled unenthusiastically. It had been 3 days since Cas last sat with him. Probably needed help with his math homework.

Sitting down Cas reached into his bag and pulled out some homework. He tried to engage Dean in conversation but his friend seemed upset. "Is something wrong?" he asked tentatively.

""Everything's great," Dean ground out.

"It's just that you've been starting at the same page for the last 10 minutes."

"So I'm too stupid to figure that out," Dean snapped.

A hurt and confused look past over Cas's face. "I never said that," he defended himself. "You know I don't think that."

"Nevermind. You just needed help with your math. Just go find your real friends. Maybe one of them can help you."

"I don't have any friends, except you."

"Whatever. Look, just leave me the fuck alone, okay," Dean said losing his temper.

Cas for the life of him couldn't figure out what he did wrong to make Dean mad at him. Maybe he could go back to being homeschooled. It would be so much easier than coming here and getting bullied every day. "Fine, I'll never bother you again," he said sadly as he got up and walked away.

He tried to tell himself he didn't care. Cas was only here for help on his math homework, otherwise he stayed away. He didn't want or need friends. They just got in the way. You had to leave them behind but damnit, he liked Cas. "Damnit!" he said allowed as he finally allowed himself to admit that he missed the little geek when he wasn't here. He was the one things that made coming here every day bearable. "Cas wait," he called after his friend. At least he still hoped so.

"What?" Cas asked stiffly. "You want to insult me some more."

"I'm an asshole. I...I was just having a really bad day ( actually) and I'm sorry for snapping. It's not you, okay. It' all me."

Even though he was still feeling hurt, Cas reluctantly sat down again. "Can I help with anything?" he offered sincerely.

"It's..." What? Money, his dad being completely clueless and his brother being a dick? "It's just your dad's not here today. So that means I get Ms. Best as my inclusion advisor. I hate her. She's so condescending and makes me feel like I have an IQ of 12. I even get my math homework wrong when I'm around her," Dean confessed in a rare moment of honesty." Not to mention Ms. Best was his PSHE teacher and she's want to know about the project he'd decided not to do, but he wasn't ready to mention that secret to Cas just yet.

"I don't like her either," Cas confessed. "She acts like she knows everything about everything and God forbid if you correct her."

"Tell me about it," Dean mumbled. "Me and my brother also go into a fight, and I have to work tonight and can't stand the grocery store. It seemed like everything just piled up on me. You just came in at the wrong time. So, sorry again."

"Did you know that the Hardware store is hiring?" Cas offered.

That intrigued Dean. If he could get on there, maybe he could quit the grocery store. He liked being around tools.

"Yeah, Miller Family Hardware, its just around the corner from FoodWorld. I'm not sure what the job's for. It could be CEO or something but you could check it out."

"I will, thanks Cas," Dean said genuinely. He took a deep breath and decided to go for it. "Can I ask you something?"

"You want to know why I stay away for long periods of time?" Cas guessed. "It's stupid."


"It's Alastair, Zacheriah and Crowley. They like to pick on me. I try to avoid them but they know that I like hanging out in the library so they wait. If they get here first, I go to my Dad's office. He knows I need a break and he gave me a key."

Dean resisted the urge to get defensive that Cas used him as a body guard. He got enough of that with Sam.

"At first, I asked to sit with you to keep them away but I really like hanging out with you. I was almost tempted to ask you if you'd come to my dad's office but I didn't want to admit to how big a wimp I am."

"I don't think you're a wimp," Dean said honestly. "Those guys are wimps. I'd like to see how tough they are with someone their own size."

"Thanks Dean. I was wondering. Do you want to go see the new Raiders movie?"

"You like Indiana Jones?"

"I like the archeology stuff."

"I would but I have to work," Dean lied and he felt his resentment building again. Why did only Sam get to go out and have fun?

"Maybe next week," Cas offered.

"Maybe," Dean said non-committedly. "I better get going," he said when the bell rang.

"Me too."

Dean left the library. He still had no idea what to do about the money situation but surprisingly he felt better than he had in a long time.


The next day, rather than have to sit by himself he went and waited for Cas by his locker and they walked to the library together. Alastair and his cronies were waiting by door but Dean's theory that they were cowards proved correct when they just turned and left when they saw Cas with him.

Unfortunately, Mr. Lafitte was still off sick so Dean had to put up with Ms. Best during his time in hell. Although maybe that was insulting hell. It couldn't be as bad as inclusion.

After she lectured him about the chaos of his notebooks and his note taking and how sloppy he'd done his physics homework, she brought up the thing he was dreading. He'd deflected her questions by bullshitting his way thought it, but she wanted to see his notes and have him work on it under her direction so she could make sure he was on track.

He had nothing. "I forgot it," he said lamely. He knew she wouldn't buy it.

"Do you remember that you had my class earlier today."

"Yes," Dean said defensively.

"I told you in class to make sure you brought your notes. How can I see if the work you've done is even close to what I want."

"You could ask me?"

"Okay, what have you found out."

"I know the signs, symptoms, and how doctors attempt to"

"What are they?" she challenged. She suspected that Dean hadn't done a thing on the project and was surprised when Dean could list it all. "I have to say I'm surprised you know that, but its all fairly common knowledge.

Test me bitch. "Ask me any question." Dean was sure she was trying to trip him up but hey, there was nothing about this disease he didn't know. He knew the statistics, complications, and all the ins and outs. When she was done, he resisted the urge to smirk because he knew what was coming next.

"Okay, you've done some reading but tomorrow I want to see some written notes and research and a rough outline of your poster board.

"Sure," Dean agreed even though he had no intentions of doing so. He was glad to hear the bell and he took off before she could say another word.

He was going to have make something up. His dad wasn't due back and he was already at two strikes with her. One more and she would want to see him. He couldn't fake his whole dad. But he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to remember. He'd be getting no sleep tonight because of the extra work but also the memories this whole crappy project was stirring up.

He detoured to the library and picked up some books on the topic. He didn't need them for info just references. He could already feel his stomach starting to hurt.

His therapist at told him he had a nervous stomach and it acted up in times of high stress. He was surprised he wasn't in constant agony, although it had been acting up more lately.


After a horrific shift at work he finally made it home. Sam was still in a pissy mood because of the money for his project and hadn't done any of the chores Dean asked him to do. He'd had to clean up because even though he doubted it, their dad could come home unexpectedly. It was like went out of his way to make things messy.

Dean sucked up his pride and called Bobby. He knew he'd catch hell from his dad when Bobby tore a strip off him for it, but he couldn't be bothered figuring out the money. Bobby agreed to pay the two bills. So that was taken care of.

He finally sat down to homework and as predicted he was having trouble concentrating. He was right and all the memories of the two weeks he spent in a psych ward being treated for Anorexia assaulted him from all directions.

Dean Winchester, eldest son of John and Mary Winchester, badass hunter in training had a disease that was commonly associated with teenage girls.


Authors note: Sorry this took so long. I must have rewrote the conversation between Dean and Cas about 5 times. I'm a destiel fan and it coming across as a little to romantic or one that was had by two teenage girls. Finally, I just decided to go with it because I'm not sure I'll ever be completely happy with it. The same for the reveal of Dean's big secret. Since I didn't think I'd ever get it the way I want it, I decided to post as is.

Also next chapter there will be more details on what happened to Dean but I was wondering how detailed you all wanted it. Do you want Dean's memories as just part or would you like a more detailed chapter thats told more flashback style. Since I don't want to bore anyone I thought I would ask.

As always please leave my muse some feedback, she's shy and needs encouragement.

So Tired Chapter 5
So Tired Chapter 5

Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear.
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.




He could hear the argument the second he left the 4th floor stairwell (of course there was no elevator) and it wasn't surprising because those two fighting was as predictable as the sun coming up every morning. He sighed warily and reached up to rub his temple. His headache had started during inclusion and had grown steadily worse all night. He had no idea how he made it through his work shift. It felt like a construction crew with jackhammers, a demolition team, an all drums marching band and the cast of stomp had all taken up residence in his skull.

He was about to put his key in the lock and then he heard...

"....NEVER...NORMAL..." "YOU'RE BROTHER...." "....SAINT DEAN...."

His hand stopped midway and he dropped the keys like they were red hot. He turned and leaned against the wall and slid down as if he was boneless. Fuck, why the hell did they always have to bring him into this? If he went in there now he would be immediately dragged into the argument. Each wanted him to agree with their side of the argument. He didn't want to pick any side. He just wanted to get to his room so he could escape the noise but the odds of that happening were slim and none, closer to none.

It was a given that Dean loved his family more than life itself but he was fairly certain that he hated them right now. If they wanted to fight fine but it was their issues and they needed to stop dumping them on him. He couldn't make his dad change his mind, no matter what Sam thought and he couldn't force Sam's blind obedience, no matter what their dad thought. God, he just wanted to scream. If he went in there Sam would accuse him of never taking his side and his dad would get after him for not taking his side.

It was surprising that no one called the cops or the building manager, although though he couldn't say he'd be disappointed if they got kicked out. Easier to make ends meet in a hotel.


Fuck! Fuck! Shit! The pain in his head was swelling exponentially and Dean found himself lightly tapping it against the wall in time with pulsating in his brain. He was debating the pros and cons of just giving it a good slam or going into the apartment. It was getting to the point where his dad was about to slam out and go get drunk and he really didn't want his dad to find him sitting in the hallway. That he didn't give John back up would just piss him off more. Sam never got in trouble for their fights. He did.

He was not ashamed to say that slamming his head into the wall would be the far more pleasurable experience. If he did it right at least he'd knock himself out.

"Is everything okay Dear?" A creaky voice suddenly cut into his thoughts.

"Fine," Dean mumbled and tried to avoid opening his eyes. The pain was starting to make them water and he didn't want to give anyone the impression that he was crying (because he sure as shit wasn't!).

"The shouting..."

"Just a disagreement, ma'am," Dean said trying to sound convincing. He attempted to open his eyes, even though the florescent lighting in the hallway suddenly tripled the pain in his head and it took every ounce of strength and energy he had in him to not moan in pain.

At least that was one thing this place had going for it. For the most part everyone minded their own business, as evidenced by the fact that this fight didn't seem to faze the neighbors. Dean didn't think she was really all that concerned, she was just a nosy old biddy who didn't like it when she didn't have the whole story. Which was another concern. She was probably going to start poking around if their dad left for days on end.

His life really did suck.

"I HATE YOU AND I HATE BEING PART OF THIS FAMILY!" This was punctuated by the sound of a slamming door and Dean figured that was his cue before his father stormed out. Drawing on every bit of strength he possess and some he didn't realize he had, he pushed himself warily to his feet. He fished the key out of his pocket and attempted to put it into the lock. It took a couple of tries since the pain in his head was so strong it was making his hand shake. Great, that was all the needed. He took a few deep breaths and make sure his "I'm fine" mask was screwed on tight as he stepped inside.


The silence in the apartment was practically deafening. The tension was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. He didn't see his father so he guessed he was in his room looking for the Impala's keys so he could go get drunk. He could see the door to his room open which meant that Sam was in the bathroom. Dean could hear the shower going. Sam liked to get his in the evening because as the youngest he was often stuck with the cold one. Sam would be in there for a while. It was here he disappeared to when he wanted space. The problem was that the Tylenol was in the bathroom and Dean really really wanted several of those.


He jumped at the unexpected sound of his name. "Yes sir," Dean replied in most respectful tone.

"I'm going out. Look after your brother. He's grounded so no soccer tomorrow. You drag his ass home right after school even if you have to throw him over your shoulder kicking and screaming. You understand me?"

"Yes sir." Of course he got the be the bad guy. Sam was seriously going to be a little bitch to deal with tomorrow.

"I'll be out late."

"Yes sir."

"Make sure you get your homework done. You damn well better eat something."

"Yes sir," Dean agreed even though the thought of food was making him want to puke.

"And don't think I forgot about your outburst this morning. You can damn well be sure..."


Saved by the bell, Dean thought. He tried to make a break for his room when he heard his father call him. "Dean, I have to take this. Clean up for me would you?"

"Yes sir, just let me change out of my uniform," Dean said as he slipped by his father and into the safety of his bedroom. Hopefully his father wouldn't remember that his work uniform consisted of a vest. No sooner had he flopped down on his bed than it felt like someone started taking a sledge hammer to his skull. He couldn't help the whimper that escaped him or stop the tears leaking from his right eye. He knew that consequences be damned he couldn't go back out there. He couldn't wash dishes or eat supper or try to read textbooks or let himself get yelled at. He needed to be in here in the darkness and just concentrate on willing the pain away. He closed his eyes and just gave into his exhaustion.


Sam Winchester was beyond pissed off. Why the hell was his dad back so soon and have to screw everything up? He was counting the minutes until he turned 18 and could just be done with this family. It never mattered what he did he'd never measure up to St. Dean the Awesome, the best son in the history of the universe. Sam was as angry at his brother as he was his dad. He opened the door to his room and found said perfect son sound asleep. He knew that Dean didn't have his homework done, and he knew his father told him to clean up. A smirk came across his face as he reached for the light switch and flicked it on.

"Get up you lazy ass or I'm gonna tell dad!"

Dean groaned as the light suddenly assaulted his senses and it was all he could do not to cry out in pain. He groaned hoping it just sounded like he was pissed at Sam for waking him. He tried to bury his head under the pillow to block out the light. "Just go away, Sam," he said trying to keep his voice from shaking.


"Sam, please just leave me alone, okay?" Dean asked in a resigned tone. "Turn out the light would you?"

"Guess you're not such a perfect solider after all," Sam sneered as he flicked the lights on and off a several times.

The already unbearable pain in Dean's head exploded exponentially so it wasn't surprising that he snapped. "GOD-DAMNIT SAM!!!! JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" He screamed as he grabbed his pillow and threw it at Sam with a surprising amount of strength.

Sam caught it full in the face. He wasn't hurt, just stunned. "YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE YOU KNOW THAT!"

"What in the hell is going on?" a voice thundered from down the hall.

"Dean's an asshole, and he's sleeping when you told him to do the dishes," Sam tattled.

"Dean! What the hell has gotten into you? Answer me when I'm talking to you boy!"

Fuck, he wished the ground would just open up and swallow him whole. "Dad, I promise I'll do them just let me get some sleep, please." Dean hated himself for begging.

"How come he gets to do what he wants," Sam complained.

"Nobody is, Dean get up now and do what I told you."

"Yez, zir," Dean slurred and tried not to yawn. It took a few attempts but he managed to get himself into a sitting position and made sure to keep his back to his father. He didn't think he was capable of getting his mask back on "Coming. Can you just turn the light off?" Dean said hoping his voice didn't sound as weak as it felt. He tried to stand but felt himself getting dizzy so he scrunched his eyes tight and dropped his head into his hands and tried to get his bearings.

Even the senior Winchester could admit that he'd never win father of the year but he wasn't blind or stupid and he could see that something wasn't right with his eldest. The stiff way Dean held himself and the way the light was causing him to try and keep his eyes covered could only mean one thing. Migraine.

"Sam, just turn off the light okay," John said, his whole demeanor changing. Contrary to popular believe he couldn't stand it when one of his boys was hurting.

"But you said he...."

"Sam, just do as your told!" John said impatiently.

"Fine!" he said as he flicked the lights a couple more times and Dean lost his battle and moaned with pain.


"But..." Sam protested, not understanding his father's about face.

"Go stand in the corner. I'll deal with you later. "


"Join the club," John mumbled as he went to his son. "Okay buddy," John said gently as he sat down next to Dean. Even in the darkened room, John could see that Dean wasn't well and he cursed himself for not noticing it earlier. He was pale, so pale his skin was almost translucent and the way his eyes squinted causing wrinkles John called pain lines were evident, and he held himself stiffly, like he was expending every ounce of energy to hold himself upright. "Why didn't you say something?"

Dean just shrugged. He really didn't trust himself not to hurl if he opened his mouth. "I'm going to see if we have anything in the med kit. I want you to lie down." John pulled back the sheets and helped Dean get under the covers. He closed the door in an attempt to keep the room as dark as he possibly could.


"Please Sam not now, you're brothers got a migraine and its pretty bad."

"I'm sorry...I...I didn't know."

"I know Sammy. Look just go to lay down in my room. I'll look after Dean."

"He'll be okay right?" Sam asked, worry instantly evaporating his anger.

"Yeah, he just needs some rest and some good pain killers." His duffel bag was still in the car so he had to reluctantly leave the apartment. He hoped there were some Percocet's left or some dilaudid because Tylenol or other OTC meds would never cut it when Dean got this bad. Retrieving the kit, John looked through it as he climbed the stairs back to their apartment, cursing when he found the empty bottle. He knew he used the last of piece of paper on the prescription pad he stole for some antibiotics. That meant he had two options, one rob a pharmacy or two, take Dean to the ER. To be honest option 1 was far more pleasurable. Sitting in an ER for hours was going to be hell for his boy. The noise and the florescent lighting were just going to make things worse. But it was either that or let Dean lie there in pain.

When he walked back into the bedroom and found Dean puking into the garbage can he knew that he didn't really have a choice.


"Can't we just go home. It doesn't really even hurt anymore," Dean protested as they entered the double doors at the local ER. Given how packed it was, Dean knew he was not seeing a doctor any time soon. If his head was going to explode Dean just wished it would hurry up and do it already.

"Okay, we can stop for burgers on the way home," John said challenging his son.

After almost hurling a couple of times, Dean just glared at his dad. "Can't you just bribe a pharmacist or something. I can't...." Dean trialed off, hating himself for almost admitting weakness.

"Take a seat and I'll get you registered. I'll see if there is some place you can lie down."

John got a clip board from the nurse and sat beside his eldest. Dean had pulled his hoodie over his head and had the drawstrings pulled tight, trying to block out the light. Dean laid his head on his father's shoulder and John could feel him trembling. He could just imagine how bad the pain was. It killed him that he couldn't do anything to stop it.

After reluctantly turning in Dean's real info because he couldn't afford to be caught committing insurance fraud since they were going to be sticking round, John got into it with the clerk and almost got kicked out. He wasn't asking to skip the fucking line. He just wanted a place where Dean could sit in a dark room. Fucking bureaucracy!

An hour later they were still sitting there as John watched as people who came in after him were called first. Okay, he understood triage but his kid was in pain. Didn't these fucking people understand that? When another ambulance crew crashed through the doors and one of the over head lights started flickering and every little sound no matter how big or how small was causing Dean to actually whimpering in pain he lost his temper and stormed up to the desk.

"Please!" John begged. "I'll wait all night but you must have a room back there were my kid can wait."

"Look!" the clerk told John firmly. "I told you before you have to wait your turn."

"And I told you, I wasn't asking to be seen before then, just a dark place where my son can wait."

"I told you if you didn't wait...."

"Dad!" a weak voice called to him.

Spinning around, Dean saw son slowly making his way over to him. "Dean, I told you to stay...."

"Doan...don...feel...sssoo...." Dean stopped talking and John could see him swallowing conversely and he knew what about to happen. Before he could ask for a basin, Dean leaned over and heaved. It was mostly just water and bile since he hadn't eaten anything all day (something they were going to have a long talk about when Dean was feeling better).

"Goo..." Dean slurred when he finished. "Sorry," he said sheepishly.

"It's okay, kiddo," John said smirking at the clerk who looked irritated. Several of the waiting room occupant got up and changed their seats. "I warned you," he couldn't resist saying.

The clerk paged maintenance and gave John a kidney shaped basin and asked him to have a seat. Just as he was about to get arrested for assault something finally went John's way.

"Henry, it's okay," a nurse in peach scrubs intervened. "Room two is free because the monitors in there are broken and won't be fixed until tomorrow. Dean can lay in there."

"Thank you...Debbie," John said reading her name tag.

"No problem. Let me see if I can get you some ice chips to rinse our your mouth. Just don't swallow any. I don't want you to have anything until the doctor see you."

Debbie was a God-send. They still had a long wait but she came in frequently to check on them, bringing ice chips and a cool cloth for Dean's forehead and coffee for John. John was tempted to ask her to marry him. She even sat with Dean while he went and called home to check on Sam.

"Everything okay?" she asked him when he came back in.

"Yeah. How ya doin' champ?"

"Peachy," came Dean's muffled reply. "Tire'"

"Try and get some sleep."

"Can. Hurrs.....Dad make it stop."

John looked helplessly at Debbie. "Can you do something? Anything?" John hated feeling so weak and so helpless.

"Let me see check on something. I'll be back shortly," she promised.

"Dad, can you just shoot me or something?" Dean pleaded.

"Don't talk like that," John admonished lightly. He looked up and was pleased when Debbie walked back in the door. He had no idea how to deal with Dean when he got like this. Mary always looked after the boys when they were sick, and Dean always looked after Sam. Who looked after Dean? That thought kind of jarred him when he realized that he was probably on his own for the most part. Had Dean ever got this bad when he was on his own?

No doubt about it, Mary was going to have the rack ready for him when he saw her again.

"Hey honey," Debbie greeted her young charge.

"Can you shoot me?"

"I wish I could, with lots of good drugs but I can't without the doctor seeing you, but I did get permission to give you some oxygen," Debbie explained as she opened a bag with a plastic cannula in it.

"It's a headache," John said stating the obvious and trying to keep the worry out of his voice. "What does he need that for."

"It's shown some promise for treating cluster headaches."

"What the hell are those!" John said, his voice raising.

"AHHHHH!" Dean shuttered involuntarily at the noise.

"Sorry kiddo. Dean doesn't have those cluster things."

"I didn't mean to imply he did," Debbie said apologetically. "Those are much worse than what Dean's got here. I just mentioned it because they're bad headache like migraines and sometimes oxygen can help." Debbie threaded the cannula over Dean's ears and turned on the flow to 10/l per minute.

"What if it doesn't help?" John asked.

"It can't hurt him. We'll look after him, promise."

"When?" John said to her retreating back.


The oxygen did help some. Dean drifted in and out of sleep over the next couple of hours but he was still in considerable pain. John was seriously considering just going to medical school. It would be so much quicker.

"Mr. Winchester, my apologies. I'm Dr. Stacey. Kind of the worst night to be in here for a headache. Dean, can you lie on your back for me?"

"No!" he moaned.

"I know it hurts but the quicker we get this over with, the quicker we can give you the good drugs."

"Now, you're talkin' my language," Dean mumbled and he waited for his dad to help him turn over.

The doctor ran through a the normal vital signs. "BP's up but that is too be expected. Dean, right now I'm going to do something that's going to make you hate me."

He knew what was coming. He shook his head no.

"I have to," the doctor said apologetically.

"Is this really necessary?" John pleaded on Dean's behalf.

"I'll make it quick," Dr. Stacey promised. He pulled the pen light out of his pocket and pried open Dean's right eye and shown the light in and then he repeated the procedure with the left. Dean screamed and tried to roll back into a ball, breathing heavily. He didn't think he ever felt anything so painful in his life.

"DEAN!" John cried as he immediately went to his son's side. If looks could kill the doctor would have spontaneously combusted. "Hey, it's okay. It's over. Good stuff next." He glared at the doctor again daring him to disagree.

"You're dad's right, Dean. I'm going to prescribe some Imitrex 100mg IM. It should help you feel better soon. I'm also going to start have Debbie start an IV. I want you to have some fluids since you've been vomiting you're a bit dehydrated. It might be why the headache got so bad."

Dean could feel his father's glare shift from the doctor to him. "Can I have some water?" he asked hoping to placate his father.

"Sure, I'll have Debbie get you some. Just small sips though," Dr. Stacey cautioned. "Does it hurt anywhere else?"

"No," Dean lied. He didn't want to talk about the pain in his stomach because his father would have a fit if the doctor suggested the cramps he was getting lately were from not eating.

"Okay, I'll have Debbie get you set up and I'll leave you a prescription for an imitrex injector. Both 50mls and 100mls. Don't be a hero, if you're feeling pain use it and you should be able to avoid getting to this point. "

"Do I have to have an IV?" Dean asked with a hint of a whine in his tone. "Can't I just drink lots of water when I get home? Can't you just give me some pills?"

"He doesn't like needles," John said with a touch of amusement. The kid could stare down a 500 pound black dog without flinching but he had to practically be held down when someone tried to stick a needle in him. He still held Dean' hand though when Debbie came in and injected some medication into his shoulder.

"I'd prefer the IV. It would give you a quicker relief. Plus, I'm going to keep you here for the night."

"WHAT? WHY?" John said trying not to panic. This was only a headache, a bad one granted, but still just a headache.

"The IV will take about four hours and I will probably give you at least two bags."

"My other son is home alone," John replied.

"Dad, go watch out for Sammy. I'ma jus...gonna sleep." The medicine was kicking in and making him kind of drowsy.

"Okay. I'll be back to pick you up first thing tomorrow. Sleep well," John replied as he awkwardly patted Dean's shoulder. He started for the door.

It kind of stung that how easy it was to get his dad to leave but Dean couldn't stop himself from calling his dad back. "Can you...stay just for the..IV?" he asked hesitantly.

Crap, he really was the worst father.
"Sure kiddo," he agreed and made the decision to stay until Dean was asleep.


The night was uneventful and Dean spent most of it in a drugged sleep. He felt a little better thanks to the second injection he had. His head was still hurting but it was down to a dull roar and he was thankful when his discharge instructions included resting for the weekend. No school or work. He didn't care about the money right now because his bed never felt so good. He decided he didn't even care about how much it cost for his dad to fill his prescriptions. He was just grateful he had pain killers that were only for his headaches so that his dad couldn't use them. He only had four doses though so despite the doctors claims not to be a hero, he knew he had to use them sparingly.

He spent most of the weekend sleeping and he appreciated that his dad and his brother was both making an effort not to get into it with each other. It was kind of nice to be the one who was looked after for a change. But he had to remind himself not to get used to it because it never lasted.

This time was no exception.


Author's note- This story seems to have gotten away from me a bit. It was supposed to be 3 or 4 chapters but seems to have taken on a life of its own. I diverted a little from the original plot for this chapter because I can never resist a little hurt/comfort.

Please remember to stroke my muse's ego with some feedback. The more she gets the faster she lets me write.


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